Coaching practices for Shared Values Conflict

Describe almost anything you are working through and IX Coach finds the practices whose real-world fit is closest. For Shared Values Conflict, these are the strongest matches in the current practice library.

Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?

• I assumed we wanted the same things, but lately our differences keep surfacing and I can’t tell which ones are real gaps in what we value and which are just us never having checked whether we’re actually aligned.
• I’ve got a short list of values but they’re all just sitting there as equals, and the second two of them collide in real life
• This disagreement has hardened into us-versus-them, like we want completely opposite things
• My partner and I keep clashing over things we both supposedly want, and I’ve been assuming we’re aligned underneath
• I’m frozen on a decision where honoring one thing I care about means shortchanging another

Practices that may help

1. Align on core values — where they are shared and where they differ
   Map which values you genuinely share and which you each hold separately — without requiring convergence.
   The Shared Meaning System
2. Rank your top values
   Force a strict order among your finalists so conflicts resolve in advance.
   Values Clarification, Made Practical
3. Map shared values before mapping the disagreement
   In any conflict, identify the values or goals you and the other person genuinely share before cataloguing differences.
   Naive Realism: Why Everyone Thinks They See Things as They Are
4. Mapping shared and divergent values in a relationship
   Do the card sort alongside someone important to you and compare — do not assume your rankings match.
   Values Card Sort
5. Resolving a decision with two competing values
   When two values both apply, use your ranked priority to resolve the tension rather than freeze.
   Values Card Sort
6. Using values questions to deepen a conversation
   Ask "what matters most to you about this?" to surface values rather than surface preferences.
   Values Card Sort
7. Stick to Values: act consistently with what actually matters to you
   Before compromising a position, check whether the compromise conflicts with a core value — and hold if it does.
   FAST: DBT’s Skill for Maintaining Self-Respect in Relationships
8. Use the bullseye to resolve competing values
   When two values pull in different directions, the bullseye shows you which domain is most neglected and most in need of attention.
   Values Bullseye, Made Practical
9. The values–behavior gap check
   Audit the last week: which of your top values did your actual decisions honor?
   Values Card Sort
10. Learn the dream inside your partner's position
    Behind every recurring argument is a personal dream or value; find and honor it.
    Love Maps: Knowing Your Partner's Inner World

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