Coaching practices for Shared Values Disagreement

Describe almost anything you are working through and IX Coach finds the practices whose real-world fit is closest. For Shared Values Disagreement, these are the strongest matches in the current practice library.

Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?

• I assumed we wanted the same things, but lately our differences keep surfacing and I can’t tell which ones are real gaps in what we value and which are just us never having checked whether we’re actually aligned.
• This disagreement has hardened into us-versus-them, like we want completely opposite things
• I keep butting heads with someone over what each of us wants, and we’re stuck trading positions back and forth
• This disagreement feels total, like we’re on completely opposite sides of everything, and it’s gotten tense
• I’ve got a short list of values but they’re all just sitting there as equals, and the second two of them collide in real life

Practices that may help

1. Align on core values — where they are shared and where they differ
   Map which values you genuinely share and which you each hold separately — without requiring convergence.
   The Shared Meaning System
2. Map shared values before mapping the disagreement
   In any conflict, identify the values or goals you and the other person genuinely share before cataloguing differences.
   Naive Realism: Why Everyone Thinks They See Things as They Are
3. Using values questions to deepen a conversation
   Ask "what matters most to you about this?" to surface values rather than surface preferences.
   Values Card Sort
4. Map what you actually agree on before diving into the disagreement
   Start by explicitly building the shared map before marking where it diverges.
   Productive Disagreement, Made Practical
5. Rank your top values
   Force a strict order among your finalists so conflicts resolve in advance.
   Values Clarification, Made Practical
6. Mapping shared and divergent values in a relationship
   Do the card sort alongside someone important to you and compare — do not assume your rankings match.
   Values Card Sort
7. Stick to Values: act consistently with what actually matters to you
   Before compromising a position, check whether the compromise conflicts with a core value — and hold if it does.
   FAST: DBT’s Skill for Maintaining Self-Respect in Relationships
8. The values–behavior gap check
   Audit the last week: which of your top values did your actual decisions honor?
   Values Card Sort
9. Resolving a decision with two competing values
   When two values both apply, use your ranked priority to resolve the tension rather than freeze.
   Values Card Sort
10. Trade across differing priorities
    Give on what you value less to get what you value more — and have them do the same.
    Win-Win Thinking: Expanding the Pie

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