Coaching practices for Us Versus the Problem Couples

Describe almost anything you are working through and IX Coach finds the practices whose real-world fit is closest. For Us Versus the Problem Couples, these are the strongest matches in the current practice library.

Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?

• Every disagreement turns into me versus them, like we’re opponents trying to win instead of two people up against the same problem
• Somewhere in this I stopped seeing a problem we both have and started seeing the other person AS the problem
• We have the same fight on a loop, just with different excuses each time, and we always end up convinced the other person is the problem
• When we fight it’s the same ugly choreography every time
• There’s this one fight we have over and over that never resolves no matter how many times we hash it out, and I’m exhausted trying to win it or fix it for good

Practices that may help

1. Fight the problem, not each other
   Reorient conflict so both partners face the problem together rather than facing each other.
   Secure-Functioning Relationships
2. Separate the person from the problem
   Treat the conflict as a problem you face together, not a contest you fight each other.
   The Third Alternative, Made Practical
3. Name the cycle as the shared enemy
   Give the pattern a name and treat it as the problem — not your partner.
   The Pursuer-Withdrawer Cycle, Explained
4. Catch the four horsemen
   Spot and replace criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling during conflict.
   The Gottman Method, Made Practical
5. Dialogue with perpetual problems
   Accept that most conflicts are unsolvable, and learn to discuss them without gridlock.
   The Gottman Method, Made Practical
6. Recognize your demon dialogue -- the negative cycle running your relationship
   Every stuck couple has a predictable negative loop; naming it together is the first step out.
   Hold Me Tight: Sue Johnson's Seven Conversations for Lasting Love
7. Create and protect the couple bubble
   Agree that you each put the relationship above any third party, including family of origin.
   Secure-Functioning Relationships
8. Protect fondness actively during and after conflict
   Conflict is the test of PSO — deliberately hold the positive frame while the negative one is loudest.
   Positive Sentiment Override: How to Build the Lens That Protects Relationships
9. Identify and name your negative cycle
   Every stuck couple has a predictable escalation pattern -- naming it lets you step outside it.
   Emotionally Focused Therapy: Sue Johnson's Framework for Lasting Bond Repair
10. Find mutual purpose
    Establish a shared goal both people care about so the conversation is "us vs the problem".
    Crucial Conversations, Made Practical

Describe your situation in your own words to search the complete practice library.