Coaching practices for Values Clarification During Conflict
Describe almost anything you are working through and IX Coach finds the practices whose real-world fit is closest. For Values Clarification During Conflict, these are the strongest matches in the current practice library.
Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?
- This disagreement has hardened into us-versus-them, like we want completely opposite things
- Something’s genuinely wrong here and there’s no time to coax everyone to a comfortable yes
- I keep butting heads with someone over what each of us wants, and we’re stuck trading positions back and forth
- Every disagreement turns into a fight over whose version of reality is right, and we both just dig in harder
- We all kept saying the same word
Practices that may help
- Map shared values before mapping the disagreement
In any conflict, identify the values or goals you and the other person genuinely share before cataloguing differences.
Naive Realism: Why Everyone Thinks They See Things as They Are - Competing (assertive, uncooperative)
Pursue your own position firmly when speed, principle, or stakes outweigh the relationship cost.
The Five Conflict-Resolution Styles - Using values questions to deepen a conversation
Ask "what matters most to you about this?" to surface values rather than surface preferences.
Values Card Sort - Validate: acknowledge what makes sense about their perspective
Find the part of their view that is understandable given their experience — and say so.
GIVE: DBT’s Skill for Preserving Relationships During Difficult Conversations - Clarify the concepts you are using
Ask for precise definitions before arguments built on contested or ambiguous terms go far.
Socratic Questioning - Find mutual purpose
Establish a shared goal both people care about so the conversation is "us vs the problem".
Crucial Conversations, Made Practical - Separate the person from the problem
Treat the conflict as a problem you face together, not a contest you fight each other.
The Third Alternative, Made Practical - Collaborating (assertive and cooperative)
Work the underlying interests until you find a solution that genuinely meets both sides’ needs.
The Five Conflict-Resolution Styles - Mapping shared and divergent values in a relationship
Do the card sort alongside someone important to you and compare — do not assume your rankings match.
Values Card Sort - Recognize when to shift modes mid-conflict
The mode that’s right at the start of a conversation may not be right ten minutes in.
The Thomas–Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI)
Related concerns
- How Do I Find Common Ground With A Coworker Who Thinks Very Differently From Myself
Start by explicitly building the shared map before marking where it diverges.
Map what you actually agree on before diving into the disagreement
- How To Be Clear In Conflict
Pursue your own position firmly when speed, principle, or stakes outweigh the relationship cost.
Competing (assertive, uncooperative)
- When Productive Disagreement Map Shared Premises
Start by explicitly building the shared map before marking where it diverges.
- Assertive Conflict Approach
Pursue your own position firmly when speed, principle, or stakes outweigh the relationship cost.
- Circle Of Competence During Conflict
Warren Buffett and Charlie Munger’s circle of competence is the idea that each person has a domain where their knowledge is genuinely deep, and that the highest-quality decisions come from staying inside that domain — or clearly knowing when you have stepped outside it. The hard part is not identifying the circle but accurately estimating its size.
- Clarifying Questions Before Conflict
Ask one honest clarifying question before taking action on an assumed motive.
Investigate before escalating
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