Coaching practices for We Keep Having the Exact Same Blow Up Over the Exact Same Thing and I'm Starting to Wonder If My Kid Genuinely Doesn't Know How to Handle That Moment Any Other Way Like I Keep Punishing Them for a Skill Nobody Ever Actually Taught Them

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Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?

• We keep having the exact same blow-up over the exact same thing, and I’m starting to wonder if my kid genuinely doesn’t know how to handle that moment any other way
• My kid blows up over the same things again and again, and I keep calling it defiance or attitude
• Every time I put my foot down and insist, my kid blows up worse
• Every blow-up hits me like a brand-new emergency and I’m just putting out fires all day
• The same misbehavior keeps coming back no matter what I do about it, and I’m starting to suspect I’m only swatting at the surface

Practices that may help

1. Take time for training — teach the skill, not just the rule
   Children misbehave partly because they don’t know how to do the right thing — teach the skill when everyone is calm.
   Positive Discipline (Jane Nelsen)
2. Identify the lagging skill behind the behavior
   Name the cognitive skill the child is missing, not the behavior you want to stop.
   Collaborative Problem Solving (Ross Greene)
3. Recognize when Plan A (unilateral imposition) makes things worse
   Adult-imposed solutions can win the battle and lose the war — notice when enforcement is escalating rather than solving.
   Collaborative Problem Solving (Ross Greene)
4. Maintain an unsolved problems list
   Write down recurring triggers so they become solvable problems rather than repeated emergencies.
   Collaborative Problem Solving (Ross Greene)
5. Identify the mistaken goal behind the misbehavior
   Dreikurs argued that misbehavior is always purposeful — the child is pursuing belonging or significance through a mistaken strategy.
   Natural and Logical Consequences (Rudolf Dreikurs)
6. Refuse to energize negative behavior
   Give consequences briefly and blandly — no energy, no lecture, no drama.
   The Nurtured Heart Approach (Howard Glasser)
7. Hold Plan B conversations proactively, not reactively
   Solve the problem before the next explosion, when everyone is calm.
   Collaborative Problem Solving (Ross Greene)
8. Set limits on behavior while accepting the feeling
   All feelings are acceptable; not all behaviors are — hold both at once.
   Emotion Coaching (John Gottman)
9. Use empathy to de-escalate, not to capitulate
   Name the child’s emotional state without agreeing with every demand — empathy and limits can coexist.
   Collaborative Problem Solving (Ross Greene)
10. Practice emotion coaching during low-stakes moments
    Build the skill in small moments so it’s available in the big ones.
    Emotion Coaching (John Gottman)

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