DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness: Getting What You Need Without Destroying the Relationship

DEAR MAN, GIVE, and FAST: the three-way skill set for relationships under pressure

What are the DBT interpersonal effectiveness skills and how do you use them?

Dialectical Behavior Therapy’s interpersonal effectiveness module gives concrete skills for asking for what you need, saying no, and managing conflict — without sacrificing either your objectives or the relationship. The DEAR MAN, GIVE, and FAST acronyms operationalize three distinct goals (getting results, keeping the relationship, keeping self-respect) that often pull in different directions. DBT as a whole has strong RCT evidence; the interpersonal module is integral to that evidence base.

Most people handle interpersonal tension with one of two failing strategies: say nothing (and build resentment) or say everything (and damage the relationship). Marsha Linehan’s DBT interpersonal effectiveness skills identify three distinct goals in any interpersonal moment — objective (what you want), relationship (connection with the other person), and self-respect (how you feel about yourself afterward) — and give a specific tool for each. Below are the core practices, with the mechanism that makes each one work.