Use OARS to make the person feel understood

Open questions, Affirmations, Reflections, Summaries — the four core micro-skills.

Why it works

Accurate reflective listening signals that the person is understood, which lowers defensiveness and lets them keep exploring rather than defending. Reflections are not parroting — a good reflection gently tests a hypothesis about meaning, which deepens the conversation more than a question would.

How to do it

1. Open: ask questions that can’t be answered yes/no.
2. Affirm: name a genuine strength or effort you actually observed.
3. Reflect: say back the meaning ("So part of you is exhausted by it") more often than you ask.
4. Summarize: periodically gather what you’ve heard, weighting the change talk.

Evidence

OARS operationalizes Rogerian accurate empathy. Empathy is among the better-supported common factors in counseling outcomes, though it is an ingredient, not a guarantee. (clinical)

Empathy’s link to outcome is robust across therapies but moderate in size; OARS is the established MI delivery of it rather than a separately proven technique.

Common mistake

Asking question after question (interrogation), which puts the person in a passive answering role instead of an active exploring one. Aim for more reflections than questions.