Coaching practices for How to Deal with a Child in an I Can't Phase
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Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?
- Every conversation with my kid about their behavior turns into me laying down the law and them digging in, and I want a way to actually talk it through together
- My kid is mid-meltdown and I’m kneeling there explaining why they can’t have it, getting more reasonable while they get more wild, and none of my logic is landing
- When my kid is melting down I feel trapped between two bad options
- The storm has finally passed and my kid is calm again, and I keep wanting to either just move on or fix the situation for them
- I keep telling my child to calm down while I’m clearly losing it myself, and I can feel how hollow that is
Practices that may help
- Use Plan B: the three-step collaborative conversation
Empathize with the child’s concern, share yours, and invite them to solve it together.
Collaborative Problem Solving (Ross Greene) - Connect emotionally before you redirect or teach
The downstairs brain has to be acknowledged before the upstairs brain can hear anything.
The Whole-Brain Child (Siegel & Bryson) - Use empathy to de-escalate, not to capitulate
Name the child’s emotional state without agreeing with every demand — empathy and limits can coexist.
Collaborative Problem Solving (Ross Greene) - Problem-solve together once the child is calm
After the emotional storm passes, invite the child to find a solution with you.
Emotion Coaching (John Gottman) - Co-regulate by naming your own zone first
A parent who models zone awareness is a more effective co-regulator than one who only monitors the child.
Zones of Regulation (Leah Kuypers) - Hold Plan B conversations proactively, not reactively
Solve the problem before the next explosion, when everyone is calm.
Collaborative Problem Solving (Ross Greene) - Follow the child’s lead completely during special time
Let the child decide what you do, how long you stay, and when you move on.
Special Time (Lawrence Cohen — Playful Parenting) - Refuse to energize negative behavior
Give consequences briefly and blandly — no energy, no lecture, no drama.
The Nurtured Heart Approach (Howard Glasser) - Use physical movement to shift the nervous system state
When the child is stuck in a heightened state, movement can shift the physiological baseline faster than words.
The Whole-Brain Child (Siegel & Bryson) - Teach that Green is the goal, not the only acceptable zone
All zones are normal; the goal is knowing which zone a situation calls for and how to get there.
Zones of Regulation (Leah Kuypers)
Related concerns
- Advise On 123 Magic For Hyper Or Anxious Kids
Each child needs their own set of tools matched to each zone.
Build each child’s personalized regulation toolbox
- Calm Down Space Children
You can only hold space from a settled state; your calm is the container.
Regulate yourself first
- Calm Parenting Conversation
Empathize with the child’s concern, share yours, and invite them to solve it together.
Use Plan B: the three-step collaborative conversation
- How Can I Help My Child To Stay Still
When the child is stuck in a heightened state, movement can shift the physiological baseline faster than words.
Use physical movement to shift the nervous system state
- How To Extract Child From Busy Place Without Physical Restraint
Name the child’s emotional state without agreeing with every demand — empathy and limits can coexist.
Use empathy to de-escalate, not to capitulate
- My Son 6 Is Being Hit At School And My Options Feel Exhausted
Adult-imposed solutions can win the battle and lose the war — notice when enforcement is escalating rather than solving.
Recognize when Plan A (unilateral imposition) makes things worse
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