Use Plan B: the three-step collaborative conversation

Empathize with the child’s concern, share yours, and invite them to solve it together.

Why it works

Plan B structures the conversation in a sequence that matters: empathy first lowers the child’s defensiveness and signals that their concern is real; sharing the adult’s concern second adds the other half of the problem; and inviting a collaborative solution last activates the child’s prefrontal reasoning rather than their threat response. The sequence only works in that order — leading with the adult’s concern triggers resistance before the child feels heard.

How to do it

1. Empathy step: open with a neutral observation and invite their perspective. "I’ve noticed [X]. What’s up?" Then listen and reflect until they feel genuinely understood.
2. Define the problem step: add your concern without negating theirs. "The thing is, I also worry about [Y]."
3. Invitation step: ask collaboratively. "I wonder if there’s a way to solve this that works for both of us."
4. Let the child generate the first solution; evaluate it against both concerns, not just yours.

Evidence

A randomized trial in a psychiatric facility found CPS significantly reduced restraint use and aggressive incidents compared to standard behavioral management. (rct)

The strongest evidence comes from clinical/inpatient settings; generalization to typical home use is clinically supported but less rigorously studied in RCT form.

Sources

• Pollastri, A. R. et al. (2013). The Collaborative Problem Solving approach. Harvard Review of Psychiatry, 21(4), 188–199.

Common mistake

Skipping the empathy step and leading with your concern, which the child experiences as the usual lecture — activating resistance before collaboration can start.