Coaching practices for How to Deal with My Grandma and Aunt's Hurtful Behavior Towards My Family
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Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?
- I keep telling myself to just move past what they did and not make a big deal of it, so I never actually look the hurt in the face
- They’re hurt by something I never meant to do, and I keep blurting "but I didn’t mean it like that"
- In my head the person who hurt me is just a villain, flat and monstrous, and that picture keeps my anger burning
- When I’m hurt I get sharp
- I called it anger and went off about it, but underneath I think I was actually just hurt
Practices that may help
- R — Recall the hurt
Face what happened deliberately and calmly, without minimizing it or replaying it as a victim.
Forgiveness: The REACH Model - Separate intent from impact
Your good intentions don’t erase the impact you had — and theirs don’t erase yours.
Difficult Conversations, Made Practical - E — Empathize with the offender
Try to understand the pressures, fears, or story behind what they did — without excusing it.
Forgiveness: The REACH Model - Be Gentle: no attacks, threats, or expressions of contempt
Say what you need to say without aggression, sarcasm, or contempt — even when you are hurt or angry.
GIVE: DBT’s Skill for Preserving Relationships During Difficult Conversations - Tell apart emotions that feel similar
Separate the cousins: anxiety vs excitement, anger vs hurt, sadness vs disappointment.
Emotional Granularity: Precision as a Regulation Skill - Separate impact from intent
Address what actually happened — the impact — without deciding you know why.
Hanlon's Razor: Never Attribute to Malice What Stupidity Can Explain - Soften when anger says attack
When unjustified anger urges attack, gently avoid, withdraw, or take the other person’s side a little.
Opposite Action: Acting Against the Emotion’s Urge - Give yourself permission to feel
Drop the judgment about whether you should or shouldn’t feel a certain way — the emotion is already there.
Radical Honesty About Emotions, Made Practical - Work the difficult-person stage without forcing
Extend metta to a difficult person not as approval of their actions but as unconditional goodwill for their wellbeing.
Metta Bhavana: The Practice of Loving-Kindness - Restructure the provocative appraisal
Identify the hot thought that amplifies anger and test a more accurate alternative.
Novaco Anger Management, Made Practical
Related concerns
- Anger Vs Hurt
Separate the cousins: anxiety vs excitement, anger vs hurt, sadness vs disappointment.
Tell apart emotions that feel similar
- How Do I Communicate With My Friend About Her Hurtful Behavior
Say what you need to say without aggression, sarcasm, or contempt — even when you are hurt or angry.
Be Gentle: no attacks, threats, or expressions of contempt
- How Do I Deal With Anger After Being Cheated On
Face what happened deliberately and calmly, without minimizing it or replaying it as a victim.
R — Recall the hurt
- How Do I Deal With Holding Onto Anger And Resentment
Identify a grievance you are still carrying and practice releasing it rather than replaying it.
Memory cleaning (releasing the past)
- How Do I Stop Overreacting To Things If My Feelings Get Slightly Hurt
Drop the judgment about whether you should or shouldn’t feel a certain way — the emotion is already there.
Give yourself permission to feel
- How Do I Stop Resenting Someone Who Has Hurt Or Upset Me
Face what happened deliberately and calmly, without minimizing it or replaying it as a victim.
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