Coaching practices for My Kid Blows Up Over the Same Things Again and Again and I Keep Calling it Defiance or Attitude but Deep Down I'm Starting to Suspect They're Not Choosing This That There's Something They Actually Can't Do Yet and I Don't Even Know What That Missing Piece is
Describe almost anything you are working through and IX Coach finds the practices whose real-world fit is closest. For My Kid Blows Up Over the Same Things Again and Again and I Keep Calling it Defiance or Attitude but Deep Down I'm Starting to Suspect They're Not Choosing This That There's Something They Actually Can't Do Yet and I Don't Even Know What That Missing Piece is, these are the strongest matches in the current practice library.
Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?
- My kid blows up over the same things again and again, and I keep calling it defiance or attitude
- Every time I put my foot down and insist, my kid blows up worse
- When my kid is melting down I feel trapped between two bad options
- We keep having the exact same blow-up over the exact same thing, and I’m starting to wonder if my kid genuinely doesn’t know how to handle that moment any other way
- Every blow-up hits me like a brand-new emergency and I’m just putting out fires all day
Practices that may help
- Identify the lagging skill behind the behavior
Name the cognitive skill the child is missing, not the behavior you want to stop.
Collaborative Problem Solving (Ross Greene) - Recognize when Plan A (unilateral imposition) makes things worse
Adult-imposed solutions can win the battle and lose the war — notice when enforcement is escalating rather than solving.
Collaborative Problem Solving (Ross Greene) - Use empathy to de-escalate, not to capitulate
Name the child’s emotional state without agreeing with every demand — empathy and limits can coexist.
Collaborative Problem Solving (Ross Greene) - Take time for training — teach the skill, not just the rule
Children misbehave partly because they don’t know how to do the right thing — teach the skill when everyone is calm.
Positive Discipline (Jane Nelsen) - Maintain an unsolved problems list
Write down recurring triggers so they become solvable problems rather than repeated emergencies.
Collaborative Problem Solving (Ross Greene) - Identify the mistaken goal behind the misbehavior
Dreikurs argued that misbehavior is always purposeful — the child is pursuing belonging or significance through a mistaken strategy.
Natural and Logical Consequences (Rudolf Dreikurs) - Give age-appropriate autonomy within non-negotiable limits
Let the child choose within the boundaries you set — the choice builds competence; the boundary provides safety.
Authoritative Parenting (Diana Baumrind) - Use Plan B: the three-step collaborative conversation
Empathize with the child’s concern, share yours, and invite them to solve it together.
Collaborative Problem Solving (Ross Greene) - Use experiential recognition to highlight strengths in the moment
Catch the child demonstrating a virtue and name the virtue directly.
The Nurtured Heart Approach (Howard Glasser) - Recognize what is not happening with proactive recognition
Catch the child not misbehaving and name the success explicitly.
The Nurtured Heart Approach (Howard Glasser)
Related concerns
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Name the cognitive skill the child is missing, not the behavior you want to stop.
Identify the lagging skill behind the behavior
- How To Handle Challenging Behavior Children
Empathize with the child’s concern, share yours, and invite them to solve it together.
Use Plan B: the three-step collaborative conversation
- Child Has Been Copying Aggressive Behavior Hitting Adults What Should I Do
Give consequences briefly and blandly — no energy, no lecture, no drama.
Refuse to energize negative behavior
- How Do You Handle A Child Who Enjoys Getting Others Into Trouble
Dreikurs argued that misbehavior is always purposeful — the child is pursuing belonging or significance through a mistaken strategy.
Identify the mistaken goal behind the misbehavior
- How To Help My Pre Teen Who Is Getting Into Trouble At School
Empathize with the child’s concern, share yours, and invite them to solve it together.
- Older Child 11 Years Jealous Of 2 Year Old
Empathize with the child’s concern, share yours, and invite them to solve it together.
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