Coaching practices for When My Child Gets Upset My Whole Reflex is to Make it Stop as Fast as Possible Distract Fix Hurry Past it and I'm Starting to Wonder If I Keep Speeding Through the Exact Moments Where They'd Actually Learn Something
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Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?
- When my child gets upset my whole reflex is to make it stop as fast as possible
- We keep having the exact same blow-up over the exact same thing, and I’m starting to wonder if my kid genuinely doesn’t know how to handle that moment any other way
- When my kid acts out I lose it
- My child reacts to everything on pure impulse and never seems to stop and think how the other kid feels, and I want to actually build that thinking-and-considering muscle during our good calm moments, not just keep firefighting once they’ve already lost it.
- When my kid is melting down I feel trapped between two bad options
Practices that may help
- Treat the emotional moment as a teaching opportunity
When your child is upset, slow down instead of speeding toward resolution.
Emotion Coaching (John Gottman) - Take time for training — teach the skill, not just the rule
Children misbehave partly because they don’t know how to do the right thing — teach the skill when everyone is calm.
Positive Discipline (Jane Nelsen) - Refuse to energize negative behavior
Give consequences briefly and blandly — no energy, no lecture, no drama.
The Nurtured Heart Approach (Howard Glasser) - Engage the upstairs brain through curiosity and play
Ask questions that require the child to think, imagine, or consider another perspective.
The Whole-Brain Child (Siegel & Bryson) - Use empathy to de-escalate, not to capitulate
Name the child’s emotional state without agreeing with every demand — empathy and limits can coexist.
Collaborative Problem Solving (Ross Greene) - Problem-solve together once the child is calm
After the emotional storm passes, invite the child to find a solution with you.
Emotion Coaching (John Gottman) - Become aware of your own emotional reactions first
A parent who is flooded by their child’s distress cannot coach it — self-awareness is the prerequisite.
Emotion Coaching (John Gottman) - Hold Plan B conversations proactively, not reactively
Solve the problem before the next explosion, when everyone is calm.
Collaborative Problem Solving (Ross Greene) - O — Observe: Notice What Is Actually Happening
After the stop, observe the situation, your emotions, and your urges — without judgment and without acting on them.
The STOP Skill: A DBT Technique for Crisis Moments - Attune before you fix
Match the other person’s feeling and pace first; solutions land only after they feel met.
Co-Regulation: Borrowing Calm From Another Nervous System
Related concerns
- Why Am I So Quick To Anger With My Kids
Children misbehave partly because they don’t know how to do the right thing — teach the skill when everyone is calm.
Take time for training — teach the skill, not just the rule
- How To Deal With My Childs Anger Issues
Name the child’s emotional state without agreeing with every demand — empathy and limits can coexist.
Use empathy to de-escalate, not to capitulate
- How To Teach A 4 Year Old Child To Handle Tantrums
When a child is upset, name their emotion aloud and validate it before attempting to solve or redirect.
Labeling emotions in children: the parenting application
- When Collaborative Problem Solving Proactive Plan B
Solve the problem before the next explosion, when everyone is calm.
Hold Plan B conversations proactively, not reactively
- When Name It To Tame It Labeling For Children
When a child is upset, name their emotion aloud and validate it before attempting to solve or redirect.
- When Triple P Parenting Calm Parenting Self Care
A regulated parent is the single most powerful behavior management tool available.
Manage your own emotional state before responding
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