Coaching practices for I Keep Trying to Reason with My Kid Right in the Middle of the Meltdown When They're Screaming and There's Clearly Nothing Getting Through and it Always Makes Things Worse but I Never Seem to Deal with it Later Once We've Both Cooled Off
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Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?
- I keep trying to reason with my kid right in the middle of the meltdown
- My kid is mid-meltdown and I’m kneeling there explaining why they can’t have it, getting more reasonable while they get more wild, and none of my logic is landing
- When my kid is melting down I feel trapped between two bad options
- The storm has finally passed and my kid is calm again, and I keep wanting to either just move on or fix the situation for them
- When my kid acts out I lose it
Practices that may help
- Hold Plan B conversations proactively, not reactively
Solve the problem before the next explosion, when everyone is calm.
Collaborative Problem Solving (Ross Greene) - Connect emotionally before you redirect or teach
The downstairs brain has to be acknowledged before the upstairs brain can hear anything.
The Whole-Brain Child (Siegel & Bryson) - Use empathy to de-escalate, not to capitulate
Name the child’s emotional state without agreeing with every demand — empathy and limits can coexist.
Collaborative Problem Solving (Ross Greene) - Problem-solve together once the child is calm
After the emotional storm passes, invite the child to find a solution with you.
Emotion Coaching (John Gottman) - Refuse to energize negative behavior
Give consequences briefly and blandly — no energy, no lecture, no drama.
The Nurtured Heart Approach (Howard Glasser) - Take time for training — teach the skill, not just the rule
Children misbehave partly because they don’t know how to do the right thing — teach the skill when everyone is calm.
Positive Discipline (Jane Nelsen) - Use Plan B: the three-step collaborative conversation
Empathize with the child’s concern, share yours, and invite them to solve it together.
Collaborative Problem Solving (Ross Greene) - Treat the emotional moment as a teaching opportunity
When your child is upset, slow down instead of speeding toward resolution.
Emotion Coaching (John Gottman) - Listen empathically and validate the feeling
Reflect the emotion you see accurately before you do anything else.
Emotion Coaching (John Gottman) - Recognize when Plan A (unilateral imposition) makes things worse
Adult-imposed solutions can win the battle and lose the war — notice when enforcement is escalating rather than solving.
Collaborative Problem Solving (Ross Greene)
Related concerns
- When Whole Brain Child Connect And Redirect
The downstairs brain has to be acknowledged before the upstairs brain can hear anything.
Connect emotionally before you redirect or teach
- How Do We Stop Our Child Screeching
Name the child’s emotional state without agreeing with every demand — empathy and limits can coexist.
Use empathy to de-escalate, not to capitulate
- How To Deal With My Childs Anger Issues
Name the child’s emotional state without agreeing with every demand — empathy and limits can coexist.
- Empathy De Escalation Children
Name the child’s emotional state without agreeing with every demand — empathy and limits can coexist.
- How Do I Handle Guilt After Yelling At My Child
All feelings are acceptable; not all behaviors are — hold both at once.
Set limits on behavior while accepting the feeling
- How To Handle Challenging Behavior Children
Empathize with the child’s concern, share yours, and invite them to solve it together.
Use Plan B: the three-step collaborative conversation
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