Coaching practices for I Keep Deferring to What Other People Think is Right and Then Feel Hollow About Decisions That Were Never Really Mine I Want My Own Internal Compass That Can Point Me Somewhere Without First Checking for Approval
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Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?
- I keep deferring to what other people think is right and then feel hollow about decisions that were never really mine
- When demands pull me in different directions I just bend toward whichever voice is loudest, because I’ve never actually pinned down my own criteria
- I’m torn over a decision and I genuinely can’t tell if I want this or if I just want them to approve
- When two people I respect disagree, I flip to whoever I spoke to last and lose my own footing
- One offhand remark or someone’s disapproval can hijack my whole mood for days, because somewhere I’ve made my sense of being okay depend on whether other people approve of me
Practices that may help
- Develop your own compass for decisions
Build a personal value system that guides decisions independently of social approval.
Kegan’s Subject-Object Theory, Made Practical - Write your own internal standard
Articulate the values and criteria you’ll use to judge your own choices, independent of approval.
Self-Authorship: Moving From the Socialized to the Self-Authored Mind - Locate where you’re authored from
Notice whether your current decision is driven by others’ expectations or by your own internal standard.
Self-Authorship: Moving From the Socialized to the Self-Authored Mind - Hold conflicting perspectives without collapsing
When two people you respect disagree, hold both views as data instead of needing one to be simply right.
Self-Authorship: Moving From the Socialized to the Self-Authored Mind - Let go of others’ opinions of you
Another’s contempt is their judgment, not your business; only your own conduct is yours to mind.
The Enchiridion, as a Handbook - Practice tolerating disapproval
Deliberately make a small choice you believe in that you know someone won’t like — and stay with the discomfort.
Self-Authorship: Moving From the Socialized to the Self-Authored Mind - Audit whether you are living your life or someone else’s
Identify the places where your choices reflect others’ expectations rather than your own values.
The Regret of the Dying - Find a truth-seeking group that argues with you
Surround yourself with people whose job in the relationship is to challenge your reasoning, not validate it.
Thinking in Bets - Stay inside for high-stakes, irreversible decisions
Reserve your autonomous judgment for decisions within your circle; get help for the rest.
Circle of Competence - Use the 10-year view to check values alignment
Ask: is the 10-year version of this choice consistent with what I actually care about?
The 10-10-10 Rule
Related concerns
- Self Authorship Moving From The Socialized To The Self Authored Mind As A Caregiver
Self-authorship, from Robert Kegan’s adult-development theory, is the capacity to generate your own internal standard for decisions rather than being defined by others’ expectations. It marks the shift from the "socialized mind" (made up by your environment) to the "self-authored mind" (author of your own values). It is a developmental theory describing how grown adults keep growing, not a quick technique.
- Self Authorship Moving From The Socialized To The Self Authored Mind During Conflict
Self-authorship, from Robert Kegan’s adult-development theory, is the capacity to generate your own internal standard for decisions rather than being defined by others’ expectations. It marks the shift from the "socialized mind" (made up by your environment) to the "self-authored mind" (author of your own values). It is a developmental theory describing how grown adults keep growing, not a quick technique.
- Self Authorship Moving From The Socialized To The Self Authored Mind For My Teenager
Self-authorship, from Robert Kegan’s adult-development theory, is the capacity to generate your own internal standard for decisions rather than being defined by others’ expectations. It marks the shift from the "socialized mind" (made up by your environment) to the "self-authored mind" (author of your own values). It is a developmental theory describing how grown adults keep growing, not a quick technique.
- Self Authorship Moving From The Socialized To The Self Authored Mind Under Stress
Self-authorship, from Robert Kegan’s adult-development theory, is the capacity to generate your own internal standard for decisions rather than being defined by others’ expectations. It marks the shift from the "socialized mind" (made up by your environment) to the "self-authored mind" (author of your own values). It is a developmental theory describing how grown adults keep growing, not a quick technique.
- What Is Self Authorship
Self-authorship, from Robert Kegan’s adult-development theory, is the capacity to generate your own internal standard for decisions rather than being defined by others’ expectations. It marks the shift from the "socialized mind" (made up by your environment) to the "self-authored mind" (author of your own values). It is a developmental theory describing how grown adults keep growing, not a quick technique.
- How To Develop Self Authorship
Self-authorship, from Robert Kegan’s adult-development theory, is the capacity to generate your own internal standard for decisions rather than being defined by others’ expectations. It marks the shift from the "socialized mind" (made up by your environment) to the "self-authored mind" (author of your own values). It is a developmental theory describing how grown adults keep growing, not a quick technique.
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