FAST: DBT’s Skill for Maintaining Self-Respect in Relationships
Four behaviors for staying true to yourself in difficult interpersonal moments
How does the DBT FAST skill help you maintain self-respect when setting limits and saying no?
FAST — Fair, Apologies (no unnecessary ones), Stick to values, Truthful — is a DBT interpersonal effectiveness skill developed by Marsha Linehan for maintaining self-respect in relationships. While DEAR MAN aims for getting what you need and GIVE aims for relationship health, FAST targets the internal cost: whether you feel like yourself and respect yourself after the interaction.
It is possible to get what you asked for and keep the relationship intact while still leaving the interaction feeling hollow, compromised, or like you betrayed something important. FAST addresses that outcome. It operationalizes the behaviors that allow self-respect to survive difficult exchanges: being fair to yourself, not over-apologizing, acting consistently with your values, and being honest. The practices below unpack each component with the mechanism that makes it matter.
Practices
- Be Fair: include yourself in the fairness you extend to others
Apply the same standards of fairness to yourself that you would to someone you respect.
- Apologies: stop apologizing for existing, wanting, or having limits
Reserve apologies for actual harm caused — not for having needs, feelings, or opinions.
- Stick to Values: act consistently with what actually matters to you
Before compromising a position, check whether the compromise conflicts with a core value — and hold if it does.
- Be Truthful: no lies, no exaggerations, no manufactured helplessness
Say what is actually true — including when the truth is "I don’t want to" rather than "I can’t."
- Use self-respect as the outcome measure — not just whether you got what you wanted
After any difficult interaction, ask: "Do I respect myself for how I showed up?" — not just "did I win?"
- Balance FAST with DEAR MAN when the relationship and the goal are both at stake
Use DEAR MAN for what you want, GIVE for the relationship, and FAST for yourself — and know which to weight when they conflict.
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Related concepts
- Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) Skills, Made Practical
The four DBT skill sets, the mechanisms behind them, and an honest read on the evidence
- DEAR MAN: DBT’s Skill for Asking for What You Want Effectively
Seven steps for asking, refusing, and negotiating without burning bridges
- GIVE: DBT’s Skill for Preserving Relationships During Difficult Conversations
Four relationship-preserving behaviors to use during any difficult interpersonal interaction