DEAR MAN: DBT’s Skill for Asking for What You Want Effectively
Seven steps for asking, refusing, and negotiating without burning bridges
How does the DBT DEAR MAN skill help you ask for things and say no without damaging relationships?
DEAR MAN — Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Mindful, Appear confident, Negotiate — is a DBT interpersonal effectiveness skill developed by Marsha Linehan. It structures requests and refusals so they are clear, non-aggressive, and effective, balancing getting what you need with preserving the relationship. The evidence base is embedded in the broader DBT clinical literature.
Most failed requests and refusals fail not because the outcome was truly impossible, but because they were delivered in a way that activated the other person’s defensiveness. DEAR MAN provides a structure that makes the request clear and non-threatening, maintains the relationship, and stays focused on the goal — all at once. The practices below walk through each component with the mechanism that makes it work.
Practices
- Describe the situation with observable facts
State what actually happened — just the observable facts, without interpretation.
- Express how you feel using "I" statements
Say how the situation affects you — "I feel..." rather than "you make me feel..."
- Assert your request or refusal directly and specifically
Ask for exactly what you want or say no — without hedging, hinting, or burying the request.
- Reinforce by explaining the benefit to the other person
Tell the other person what is in it for them — or what the positive outcome looks like for both of you.
- Stay mindful of your goal when the conversation gets difficult
Keep returning to your goal and resist being pulled into side arguments or emotional spirals.
- Appear confident even when you don’t feel it
Maintain eye contact, a level voice, and an upright posture — confidence is performed before it’s felt.
- Negotiate: know your minimum and be willing to give and take
Decide in advance what you are willing to accept short of your full ask, and be ready to offer something in exchange.
Practice this with IX Coach
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Related concepts
- Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) Skills, Made Practical
The four DBT skill sets, the mechanisms behind them, and an honest read on the evidence
- GIVE: DBT’s Skill for Preserving Relationships During Difficult Conversations
Four relationship-preserving behaviors to use during any difficult interpersonal interaction
- Assertiveness Training, Made Practical
The clinical techniques, the mechanisms behind them, and an honest read on the evidence