Use self-respect as the outcome measure — not just whether you got what you wanted
After any difficult interaction, ask: "Do I respect myself for how I showed up?" — not just "did I win?"
Why it works
Reframing the success criterion from "I got what I wanted" to "I acted like someone I respect" changes the entire optimization target of the conversation. This shift protects against tactics that produce short-term wins but erode character over time — manipulation, dishonesty, capitulation under pressure. It also makes partial interpersonal outcomes acceptable as long as the self-respect outcome is preserved.
How to do it
- After every significant interpersonal interaction, ask: "If a wise mentor had watched this, would they have seen me behave with integrity?"
- Note the specific FAST components you maintained and which you dropped under pressure.
- If you dropped one, identify what would have allowed you to hold it — and plan for next time.
Evidence
Self-respect as an outcome criterion is consistent with virtue ethics and character-based wellbeing research: people who act congruently with their values report higher long-run wellbeing than those who optimize for immediate outcomes. FAST makes this abstract principle into a practical post-conversation measure. (mechanistic)
The specific framing of FAST as a self-respect criterion is a DBT clinical formulation; the underlying character-based wellbeing evidence is correlational rather than experimentally established.
Common mistake
Treating the interaction as a success because you got what you asked for, while ignoring that you got it through manipulation or dishonesty — which is a self-respect loss that compounds across interactions.
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More practices for FAST: DBT’s Skill for Maintaining Self-Respect in Relationships
- Be Fair: include yourself in the fairness you extend to others
Apply the same standards of fairness to yourself that you would to someone you respect.
- Apologies: stop apologizing for existing, wanting, or having limits
Reserve apologies for actual harm caused — not for having needs, feelings, or opinions.
- Stick to Values: act consistently with what actually matters to you
Before compromising a position, check whether the compromise conflicts with a core value — and hold if it does.
- Be Truthful: no lies, no exaggerations, no manufactured helplessness
Say what is actually true — including when the truth is "I don’t want to" rather than "I can’t."
- Balance FAST with DEAR MAN when the relationship and the goal are both at stake
Use DEAR MAN for what you want, GIVE for the relationship, and FAST for yourself — and know which to weight when they conflict.
Related concepts
- Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) Skills, Made Practical
The four DBT skill sets, the mechanisms behind them, and an honest read on the evidence
- DEAR MAN: DBT’s Skill for Asking for What You Want Effectively
Seven steps for asking, refusing, and negotiating without burning bridges
- GIVE: DBT’s Skill for Preserving Relationships During Difficult Conversations
Four relationship-preserving behaviors to use during any difficult interpersonal interaction