Be Fair: include yourself in the fairness you extend to others

Apply the same standards of fairness to yourself that you would to someone you respect.

Why it works

People who consistently prioritize others’ needs at the expense of their own are not being selfless — they are applying an asymmetric fairness standard that progressively erodes self-respect and resentment-free relationship quality. FAST’s Fair component corrects this by making the standard symmetric: your needs, time, and limits matter as much as theirs. This is not selfishness; it is the condition for sustainable, non-resentful giving.

How to do it

1. When assessing whether a request is reasonable, ask: "Would I accept this if someone asked it of a friend I respect?"
2. Include your own interests explicitly when problem-solving: "Here’s what works for them, and here’s what works for me."
3. Name the asymmetry when you notice it: "I’ve been prioritizing your schedule — I need us to balance this."

Evidence

Self-compassion research consistently shows that extending to the self the same care one would extend to others is associated with psychological wellbeing, sustainable motivation, and lower resentment — all of which underlie the FAST fairness principle. (observational)

Self-compassion research is correlational; the specific application of symmetric fairness to interpersonal decisions is a clinical extension of that general evidence.

Sources

• Neff (2003), self-compassion: an alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself, Self and Identity

Common mistake

Framing self-inclusion as selfishness ("I shouldn’t need this") — which is itself the asymmetric thinking FAST is designed to correct.