Use the right level of validation for the situation
Match your validation to what is actually true — surface agreement, emotional acknowledgment, or deep understanding.
Why it works
DBT describes validation as occurring at different levels: acknowledging someone’s behavior occurred (level 1), accurately reflecting their feelings (level 2), reading their unexpressed experience (level 3), and validating within historical or biological context (levels 4–6). Under-validating (level 1 for a situation requiring level 3) feels dismissive; over-validating (claiming to fully understand something you don’t) is recognized as hollow. Matching the level to what you can honestly offer is the skill.
How to do it
- Assess what is genuinely true: can you only acknowledge it happened, or can you say you understand why they feel as they do?
- Be honest about the depth of your understanding: "I can see you’re hurt" is level 2; "I understand exactly how that feels" requires you actually do.
- When in doubt, ask rather than claim: "Tell me more about what that was like for you" is more validating than a hollow "I totally understand."
Evidence
Linehan’s validation levels are a clinical framework derived from therapeutic practice and theory; the differentiation between levels of validation is consistent with empathy research showing that accurate but not overstated empathy is more effective than either minimal or exaggerated empathic responding. (clinical)
The six-level taxonomy is a clinical framework; the specific differentiation has not been independently studied in controlled trials.
Common mistake
Claiming deep understanding of an experience you have not had ("I know exactly how you feel") — which the other person typically recognizes as false and experiences as more invalidating than accurate acknowledgment of limited understanding.
Practice this with IX Coach
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More practices for GIVE: DBT’s Skill for Preserving Relationships During Difficult Conversations
- Be Gentle: no attacks, threats, or expressions of contempt
Say what you need to say without aggression, sarcasm, or contempt — even when you are hurt or angry.
- Be Interested: listen and show that you are listening
Attend to the other person’s perspective with genuine curiosity, not just patience.
- Validate: acknowledge what makes sense about their perspective
Find the part of their view that is understandable given their experience — and say so.
- Easy Manner: bring a light touch when appropriate
Use humor, lightness, and warmth to remind both of you that the relationship is bigger than this conflict.
- Use GIVE as a full sequence in high-stakes conversations
Run all four GIVE components together — gentleness, interest, validation, and ease — for conversations where the relationship is on the line.
Related concepts
- Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) Skills, Made Practical
The four DBT skill sets, the mechanisms behind them, and an honest read on the evidence
- DEAR MAN: DBT’s Skill for Asking for What You Want Effectively
Seven steps for asking, refusing, and negotiating without burning bridges
- Nonviolent Communication (NVC), Made Practical
The four components, the mechanisms behind them, and an honest read on the evidence