Be Interested: listen and show that you are listening
Attend to the other person’s perspective with genuine curiosity, not just patience.
Why it works
People disengage from conversations where they feel they are not being heard, even if every word they say is technically received. Feeling heard activates neural safety signals that lower defensiveness and increase cooperation. Being interested in GIVE is not a technique — it is a genuine stance: the other person has reasons for their position, and those reasons matter for understanding the situation fully and for maintaining the relationship.
How to do it
- Ask open questions about their experience and reasoning: "What made that feel important to you?"
- Listen without planning your next point while they speak.
- Reflect back what you heard before responding: "So what I’m understanding is..."
Evidence
Active listening and felt-understanding are among the most consistent predictors of relational satisfaction and conflict resolution outcomes; they operate through reducing defensiveness and increasing reciprocal openness. Laurenceau and colleagues showed that perceived partner responsiveness — feeling that the other person understands and cares — is what turns disclosure into intimacy, isolating the "showing you are listening" half of this practice as the active ingredient. (observational)
The evidence is consistent across communication and relationship research; the GIVE framing is a clinical operationalization of these principles.
Sources
Common mistake
Listening while visibly planning your rebuttal — which the other person can see and which signals that you are not actually interested in their perspective, triggering the same defensiveness as not listening at all.
Practice this with IX Coach
7 days free, then $40/month (~$1.30/day).
More practices for GIVE: DBT’s Skill for Preserving Relationships During Difficult Conversations
- Be Gentle: no attacks, threats, or expressions of contempt
Say what you need to say without aggression, sarcasm, or contempt — even when you are hurt or angry.
- Validate: acknowledge what makes sense about their perspective
Find the part of their view that is understandable given their experience — and say so.
- Easy Manner: bring a light touch when appropriate
Use humor, lightness, and warmth to remind both of you that the relationship is bigger than this conflict.
- Use GIVE as a full sequence in high-stakes conversations
Run all four GIVE components together — gentleness, interest, validation, and ease — for conversations where the relationship is on the line.
- Use the right level of validation for the situation
Match your validation to what is actually true — surface agreement, emotional acknowledgment, or deep understanding.
Related concepts
- Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) Skills, Made Practical
The four DBT skill sets, the mechanisms behind them, and an honest read on the evidence
- DEAR MAN: DBT’s Skill for Asking for What You Want Effectively
Seven steps for asking, refusing, and negotiating without burning bridges
- Nonviolent Communication (NVC), Made Practical
The four components, the mechanisms behind them, and an honest read on the evidence