Ask two genuine questions before you push back

Slow down the rebuttal reflex with genuine curiosity about the other view.

Why it works

The brain’s first instinct on hearing a disagreement is to generate counter-arguments, not to update. Forcing a curiosity step before a rebuttal interrupts this reflex and creates space to notice whether the other person has evidence or reasoning you actually hadn’t considered, which is the only condition under which you could update.

How to do it

1. When you feel the urge to push back, ask yourself: "What would I need to know to think they might be right?"
2. Voice that as a question to them ("What led you to that view?", "Is there an example that convinced you?").
3. Wait for the answer before framing your own response — and actually consider it.

Evidence

Consistent with research on deliberative vs. automatic thinking: giving System 2 time to process before responding improves the quality of reasoning. Curiosity has been linked to reduced defensiveness and greater openness in interpersonal communication. (mechanistic)

Specific "ask before rebut" protocols lack controlled trial evidence; the rationale draws on dual-process reasoning theory and broadly on active listening literature.

Common mistake

Asking questions but not listening to the answers — using "curiosity" as a delay tactic while continuing to compose the counter-argument internally, which the other person can usually sense.