Couples Conflict: 10 Evidence-Based Coaching Practices
Describe almost anything you are working through and IX Coach finds the practices whose real-world fit is closest. For Couples Conflict, these are the strongest matches in the current practice library.
About 2 minutes
Swap a criticism for a specific need
Turn a complaint about your partner into one specific thing that happened and what you need. Try it on a recent argument.
Say the thing you'd normally snap at your partner, then say it as a specific need.
Practices that may help
- Fight the problem, not each other
Reorient conflict so both partners face the problem together rather than facing each other.
Secure-Functioning Relationships - Explore each other’s life dreams
Ask what your partner’s cherished goals and aspirations are — not just their plans.
The Shared Meaning System - Catch the four horsemen
Spot and replace criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling during conflict.
The Gottman Method, Made Practical - Protect fondness actively during and after conflict
Conflict is the test of PSO — deliberately hold the positive frame while the negative one is loudest.
Positive Sentiment Override: How to Build the Lens That Protects Relationships - Dialogue with perpetual problems
Accept that most conflicts are unsolvable, and learn to discuss them without gridlock.
The Gottman Method, Made Practical - Learn the dream inside your partner's position
Behind every recurring argument is a personal dream or value; find and honor it.
Love Maps: Knowing Your Partner's Inner World - Collaborating (assertive and cooperative)
Work the underlying interests until you find a solution that genuinely meets both sides’ needs.
The Five Conflict-Resolution Styles - Maintain positive tone even during disagreement
The ratio matters most when you are fighting -- keep warmth and acknowledgment present inside conflict.
The Magic Relationship Ratio: Gottman's 5-to-1 Principle - Transform the relationship, not just the issue
Use each conflict as an opportunity to raise the quality of the relationship itself.
The Third Alternative, Made Practical - Separate the person from the problem
Treat the conflict as a problem you face together, not a contest you fight each other.
The Third Alternative, Made Practical
Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?
- Every disagreement turns into me versus them, like we’re opponents trying to win instead of two people up against the same problem
- We keep having the same fight that never resolves, and lately I’ve started to suspect it isn’t really about the thing we argue over
- When we fight it’s the same ugly choreography every time
- The moment we start arguing, any sense that I actually like and respect this person evaporates
- There’s this one fight we have over and over that never resolves no matter how many times we hash it out, and I’m exhausted trying to win it or fix it for good
Related concerns
- How To Resolve Conflict Between You And Your Partner
Reorient conflict so both partners face the problem together rather than facing each other.
Fight the problem, not each other
- Why Do I Look For Conflict In My Relationship
Ask what your partner’s cherished goals and aspirations are — not just their plans.
Explore each other’s life dreams
- Gottman Dreams Within Conflict Intervention
Ask what your partner’s cherished goals and aspirations are — not just their plans.
- How To Avoid Marital Conflict
Accept that most conflicts are unsolvable, and learn to discuss them without gridlock.
Dialogue with perpetual problems
- How To Deal With Conflict With Your Partner
Reorient conflict so both partners face the problem together rather than facing each other.
- How To Handle Conflict In A Relationship With Your Partner
Use small signals to de-escalate conflict before it spirals — and receive them when offered.
Make repair attempts early and accept them graciously
Describe your situation in your own words to search the complete practice library.