Coaching practices for How to Address a Rude Teenager at Family Gatherings

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Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?

• When my kid acts out I lose it
• Every conversation with my kid about their behavior turns into me laying down the law and them digging in, and I want a way to actually talk it through together
• When I’m upset I go straight for who they are
• The same misbehavior keeps coming back no matter what I do about it, and I’m starting to suspect I’m only swatting at the surface
• My first reaction when something goes wrong is "why did you DO that?"

Practices that may help

1. Refuse to energize negative behavior
   Give consequences briefly and blandly — no energy, no lecture, no drama.
   The Nurtured Heart Approach (Howard Glasser)
2. Use Plan B: the three-step collaborative conversation
   Empathize with the child’s concern, share yours, and invite them to solve it together.
   Collaborative Problem Solving (Ross Greene)
3. Complain about the specific situation, not the person’s character
   Target the behavior or situation, never the person’s character or worth.
   The Soft Startup: How You Begin a Difficult Conversation Determines How It Ends
4. Identify the mistaken goal behind the misbehavior
   Dreikurs argued that misbehavior is always purposeful — the child is pursuing belonging or significance through a mistaken strategy.
   Natural and Logical Consequences (Rudolf Dreikurs)
5. Focus on solutions, not blame
   Ask "What can we do to fix this?" rather than "Why did you do that?" — one opens, the other closes.
   Positive Discipline (Jane Nelsen)
6. Use empathy to de-escalate, not to capitulate
   Name the child’s emotional state without agreeing with every demand — empathy and limits can coexist.
   Collaborative Problem Solving (Ross Greene)
7. Recognize when Plan A (unilateral imposition) makes things worse
   Adult-imposed solutions can win the battle and lose the war — notice when enforcement is escalating rather than solving.
   Collaborative Problem Solving (Ross Greene)
8. Hold limits calmly and consistently
   A limit only works if you follow through; an enforced limit with warmth is more effective than a threatened limit delivered with anger.
   Authoritative Parenting (Diana Baumrind)
9. Be Gentle: no attacks, threats, or expressions of contempt
   Say what you need to say without aggression, sarcasm, or contempt — even when you are hurt or angry.
   GIVE: DBT’s Skill for Preserving Relationships During Difficult Conversations
10. Use family meetings to solve problems together
    When children help solve the problem, they own the solution — and solutions they own, they actually follow.
    Positive Discipline (Jane Nelsen)

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