Coaching practices for How to Deal with Colleague That Starts Arguments
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Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?
- Someone takes a dig at me and I instantly want to either defend myself or fire back, and either way I’ve handed them exactly the reaction they were fishing for and the jabs just keep coming.
- The moment the other person starts talking I’m already loading my rebuttal
- Once we start arguing it’s like a switch flips and we both just escalate
- I catch myself arguing against the weakest, dumbest version of what they said
- Once a fight gets going I can feel I’ve passed the point where anything good comes out of my mouth, but I don’t know how to step away without it looking like I’m storming off or quitting on the person.
Practices that may help
- Fogging
Calmly agree with any grain of truth in a criticism without caving or counterattacking.
Assertiveness Training, Made Practical - Practice "Tell me more" — defer rebuttal until genuine understanding
Respond to an opposing view with curiosity before you respond with counter-argument.
The Third Alternative, Made Practical - Make repair attempts early and accept them graciously
Use small signals to de-escalate conflict before it spirals — and receive them when offered.
The 5-to-1 Positivity Ratio in Relationships - Steel-man before you rebut
Restate the opposing view in its strongest form before you argue against it.
Productive Disagreement, Made Practical - Take a structured time-out
Exit the provocation situation temporarily with a plan to re-engage — not as avoidance, but as arousal regulation.
Novaco Anger Management, Made Practical - Use fierce self-compassion to stay in hard conversations
Stay present in conflict by meeting your own distress with compassion, so you don't flee or attack.
Fierce Self-Compassion, Made Practical - Roll with resistance instead of fighting it
When you meet a push-back, soften and reflect rather than argue.
Motivational Interviewing, Made Practical - Ask two genuine questions before you push back
Slow down the rebuttal reflex with genuine curiosity about the other view.
Productive Disagreement, Made Practical - Adapt your conflict approach to the other person’s DISC style
Conflict lands differently for each style — match your approach to reduce defensiveness.
DISC Behavioral Styles - Protect fondness actively during and after conflict
Conflict is the test of PSO — deliberately hold the positive frame while the negative one is loudest.
Positive Sentiment Override: How to Build the Lens That Protects Relationships
Related concerns
- How To Handle Recurring Arguments
Locate the single empirical or value disagreement driving the whole dispute.
Find the crux: the one claim that, if changed, would change the conclusion
- How Do I Stop Being An Argumentative And Defensive Person
Restate the opposing view in its strongest form before you argue against it.
Steel-man before you rebut
- How Do Sagittarius Deal With Conflict
Conflict lands differently for each style — match your approach to reduce defensiveness.
Adapt your conflict approach to the other person’s DISC style
- How To Deal With Colleague After Argument
The conversation after the fight -- done calmly -- is where lasting repair happens.
Debrief and repair after the conflict is over
- How To Self Regulate In Conflict
Stay present in conflict by meeting your own distress with compassion, so you don't flee or attack.
Use fierce self-compassion to stay in hard conversations
- How To Stop An Argument
Use small signals to de-escalate conflict before it spirals — and receive them when offered.
Make repair attempts early and accept them graciously
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