Coaching practices for How to Receive Feedback Without Getting Defensive

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Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?

• The instant someone gives me hard feedback I’m already explaining and defending myself
• I deliver my feedback as a finished verdict and then the other person just sits there closed off
• The second someone suggests something, I’m already arguing back in my head
• Every time I raise an issue with someone they get defensive and we end up arguing about whether they’re a good person instead of fixing the actual problem
• When I just hand someone my assessment they go passive and defensive, like I’m doing something to them

Practices that may help

1. Receive feedback with minimal defensiveness
   Treat feedback as data about others’ experience — not as a verdict on your character.
   The Johari Window
2. Invite a response after delivering SBI
   Close SBI by asking what the other person makes of it — not with a verdict.
   The SBI Feedback Model, Made Practical
3. Receive every suggestion with only "thank you"
   Accept all feedforward without debate, justification, or even agreement — just acknowledge and note.
   Feedforward: Future-Focused Feedback That Actually Changes Behavior
4. Make feedback specific and behavioral, not evaluative
   Describe what you observed, not what it says about the person.
   The Feedback Sandwich: Why It Doesn’t Work and What to Do Instead
5. Ask what the person already knows before offering your assessment
   Ask the person to evaluate their own performance before giving yours.
   The Feedback Sandwich: Why It Doesn’t Work and What to Do Instead
6. Describe behavior, not character
   Say what the person did — actions, words — not what that says about who they are.
   The SBI Feedback Model, Made Practical
7. Ask for ideas about the future, not assessments of the past
   Replace "how did I do?" with "what ideas do you have for how I could do better?"
   Feedforward: Future-Focused Feedback That Actually Changes Behavior
8. Affirm before receiving critical feedback
   Do a brief values reflection before reading a critical evaluation so you can take in the information rather than defend against it.
   Self-Affirmation Theory, Made Practical
9. Apply reciprocity in feedback conversations
   Offer a genuine concession or acknowledgment of your own role before asking someone to change.
   The Rule of Reciprocity, Made Practical
10. Choose the right moment and setting for feedback
    Feedback lands in proportion to how safe and ready the receiver feels — timing and privacy matter.
    The SBI Feedback Model, Made Practical

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