Describe behavior, not character

Say what the person did — actions, words — not what that says about who they are.

Why it works

Character attributions ("you’re dismissive") trigger identity-threat, activating the amygdala and narrowing cognitive bandwidth for reflection. Behavioral descriptions ("you interrupted three times") are observable and disputable on facts rather than self-concept, which keeps the receiver in a cooler, more coachable state.

How to do it

1. Draft the feedback using only observable actions: what would a video camera have captured?
2. Remove adjectives that label the person ("rude," "careless") and replace with the action.
3. If you catch yourself writing "you are," change it to "you did."

Evidence

Threat-response research shows that identity-level threats spike cortisol and reduce the prefrontal capacity for perspective-taking. Behavior-level feedback avoids triggering the identity-protection system that shuts down productive dialogue. (mechanistic)

The neuro mechanism is well established; that "behavior vs. character" framing specifically modulates it in feedback settings is inferred rather than directly tested.

Sources

• Eisenberger & Lieberman (2004), social pain and physical pain share neural substrates, Science

Common mistake

Smuggling character claims into behavioral language: "You were being passive-aggressive by…" — "being passive-aggressive" is still a character attribution dressed as a behavior description.