Coaching practices for How to Stop Blaming

Describe almost anything you are working through and IX Coach finds the practices whose real-world fit is closest. For How to Stop Blaming, these are the strongest matches in the current practice library.

Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?

• Every time this conflict flares my mind races to how they’re at fault, and I keep noticing I never once turn the question around to my own expectations and reactions
• When I’m upset it all comes out as "you did this, you always do that"
• The whole thing has become a tug-of-war over whose fault it is
• I keep waiting for them to change so I can finally feel okay, and it never comes
• When something goes wrong around me I automatically assume it’s my fault

Practices that may help

1. Drive all blames into one
   When conflict arises, examine how self-grasping is the root, rather than blaming the other person.
   Lojong: Tibetan Mind Training
2. Correct blaming by adding accountability for self
   When blaming, add an honest account of your own contribution to the problem.
   The Satir Model
3. Move from blame to contribution
   Ask how each side contributed to the situation instead of who is at fault.
   Difficult Conversations, Made Practical
4. Radical responsibility (cleaning)
   Treat every disturbance in your experience as something you can "clean" from your own perception.
   Ho'oponopono: Hawaiian Forgiveness and Reconciliation
5. Personalization and self-blame
   Take excessive personal responsibility for negative events that were partly or wholly outside your control.
   Cognitive Distortions: The Thinking Errors Behind Anxiety and Depression
6. Apply the razor to yourself
   Extend to your own past actions the same charitable interpretation you give others.
   Hanlon's Razor: Never Attribute to Malice What Stupidity Can Explain
7. Replace defensiveness with partial responsibility
   Defensiveness is a claim of innocence; taking even partial responsibility is the only way forward.
   The Four Horsemen: Gottman's Warning Signs of Relationship Breakdown
8. Self-forgiveness through the practice
   Direct the forgiveness phrases inward to release guilt or shame you carry about your own past actions.
   Ho'oponopono: Hawaiian Forgiveness and Reconciliation
9. The practice of self-responsibility
   Own that you are the author of your choices, actions, and the fulfillment of your wants.
   The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, Made Practical
10. Train optimistic causal attribution deliberately
    Practice attributing good events to stable, internal causes — not to luck or one-off circumstances.
    Three Good Things: The Evidence-Based Gratitude Practice

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