Coaching practices for How Do I Stop Seeking Approval and Validation From Others

Describe almost anything you are working through and IX Coach finds the practices whose real-world fit is closest. For How Do I Stop Seeking Approval and Validation From Others, these are the strongest matches in the current practice library.

Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?

• I can’t tell whether I’m okay until I read my partner’s face
• Someone being displeased with me doesn’t just sting, it feels like a threat to who I am, so I soften and cave to keep them happy
• I’m worn out from constantly managing how I come across, replaying what people might think of me
• One offhand remark or someone’s disapproval can hijack my whole mood for days, because somewhere I’ve made my sense of being okay depend on whether other people approve of me
• I notice I’m drawn to people who confirm the worst about me and uneasy around the ones who think well of me

Practices that may help

1. Moving from other-validation to self-validation
   Gradually replace the need for your partner’s approval with the ability to hold your own self-regard.
   Differentiation of Self: David Schnarch’s Framework for Passionate Marriage
2. Practice tolerating disapproval
   Deliberately make a small choice you believe in that you know someone won’t like — and stay with the discomfort.
   Self-Authorship: Moving From the Socialized to the Self-Authored Mind
3. Release the need for approval
   Let people have their opinions of you — their judgment is theirs to hold, not yours to fix.
   The Let Them Theory, Made Practical
4. Let go of others’ opinions of you
   Another’s contempt is their judgment, not your business; only your own conduct is yours to mind.
   The Enchiridion, as a Handbook
5. Cultivate identity-safe relationships
   Build relationships in which being known accurately — not just approved of — is the norm.
   Self-Verification Theory, Made Practical
6. Develop your own compass for decisions
   Build a personal value system that guides decisions independently of social approval.
   Kegan’s Subject-Object Theory, Made Practical
7. The practice of self-acceptance
   Be for yourself — refuse to be your own adversary, even about the parts you want to change.
   The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, Made Practical
8. Receive "no" without punishment or withdrawal
   The quality of your response to "no" is what teaches others whether your requests are genuine.
   Nonviolent Requests: How to Ask for What You Need Without Demanding
9. Claim worthiness now
   Believe you are worthy of love and belonging as you are — not after you fix yourself.
   The Gifts of Imperfection, Made Practical
10. The practice of self-assertiveness
    Honor your wants, needs, and values by expressing them in the world — appropriately and openly.
    The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, Made Practical

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