Coaching practices for Reducing Us vs Them
Describe almost anything you are working through and IX Coach finds the practices whose real-world fit is closest. For Reducing Us vs Them, these are the strongest matches in the current practice library.
Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?
- Every disagreement turns into me versus them, like we’re opponents trying to win instead of two people up against the same problem
- This disagreement has hardened into us-versus-them, like we want completely opposite things
- Every time we get into this it turns into my side versus theirs, two solutions dug in, and it never occurs to either of us that we might actually want the same thing underneath the fight.
- Somewhere in this I stopped seeing a problem we both have and started seeing the other person AS the problem
- My departments are each winning their own little battles while the whole thing loses
Practices that may help
- Fight the problem, not each other
Reorient conflict so both partners face the problem together rather than facing each other.
Secure-Functioning Relationships - Map shared values before mapping the disagreement
In any conflict, identify the values or goals you and the other person genuinely share before cataloguing differences.
Naive Realism: Why Everyone Thinks They See Things as They Are - Find mutual purpose
Establish a shared goal both people care about so the conversation is "us vs the problem".
Crucial Conversations, Made Practical - Separate the person from the problem
Treat the conflict as a problem you face together, not a contest you fight each other.
The Third Alternative, Made Practical - Cover and move (teamwork over silos)
Every team and department exists to support the others toward the same mission, not to win locally.
Extreme Ownership, Made Practical - Trade across differing priorities
Give on what you value less to get what you value more — and have them do the same.
Win-Win Thinking: Expanding the Pie - Extend your circle of concern deliberately
Systematically widen who counts as "us" — from close relationships outward to strangers.
Sympatheia — the Stoic Practice of Universal Interconnection - Habit 4: Think win-win
Seek mutual benefit in interactions rather than treating every situation as win-lose.
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Made Practical - Activate unity — shared identity before the message
Establish genuine shared identity with your audience before presenting your position.
Pre-Suasion, Made Practical - Practice the abundance reframe
Remind yourself that others’ success does not diminish the supply available to you.
The Comparison Trap
Related concerns
- How Do I Nudge My Coworker To Reframe His Mindset From Me To We
Reorient conflict so both partners face the problem together rather than facing each other.
Fight the problem, not each other
- Identity Priming During Conflict
Identity priming is the finding that briefly activating a self-concept (e.g., "I am someone who values health") before a decision increases the chance of behavior consistent with that identity. Effects are real but modest and context-dependent; they are most reliable when the identity is already part of how you genuinely see yourself.
- The Shared Meaning System During Conflict
The shared meaning system is the top layer of John Gottman’s Sound Relationship House — the rituals, roles, goals, and symbols that give a couple’s life together a sense of shared purpose and identity. Gottman’s longitudinal research found that couples with a rich inner life of shared meaning were more resilient during conflict; the practices below show how to actively build one.
- When Circle Process Centerpiece Intention
Establish a shared goal both people care about so the conversation is "us vs the problem".
Find mutual purpose
- When Crucial Conversations Find Mutual Purpose
Establish a shared goal both people care about so the conversation is "us vs the problem".
- When Productive Disagreement Map Shared Premises
Start by explicitly building the shared map before marking where it diverges.
Map what you actually agree on before diving into the disagreement
Describe your situation in your own words to search the complete practice library.