Coaching practices for Every Time We Get Into This it Turns Into My Side Versus Theirs Two Solutions Dug in and it Never Occurs to Either of Us That We Might Actually Want the Same Thing Underneath the Fight
Describe almost anything you are working through and IX Coach finds the practices whose real-world fit is closest. For Every Time We Get Into This it Turns Into My Side Versus Theirs Two Solutions Dug in and it Never Occurs to Either of Us That We Might Actually Want the Same Thing Underneath the Fight, these are the strongest matches in the current practice library.
Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?
- Every time we get into this it turns into my side versus theirs, two solutions dug in, and it never occurs to either of us that we might actually want the same thing underneath the fight.
- We have this one fight that never resolves, no matter how reasonably we try to settle it
- We both keep digging into our positions and neither of us is really hearing why the other one cares
- Somewhere in this I stopped seeing a problem we both have and started seeing the other person AS the problem
- We keep having the same fight that never resolves, and lately I’ve started to suspect it isn’t really about the thing we argue over
Practices that may help
- Find mutual purpose
Establish a shared goal both people care about so the conversation is "us vs the problem".
Crucial Conversations, Made Practical - Learn the dream inside your partner's position
Behind every recurring argument is a personal dream or value; find and honor it.
Love Maps: Knowing Your Partner's Inner World - Collaborating (assertive and cooperative)
Work the underlying interests until you find a solution that genuinely meets both sides’ needs.
The Five Conflict-Resolution Styles - Separate the person from the problem
Treat the conflict as a problem you face together, not a contest you fight each other.
The Third Alternative, Made Practical - Explore each other’s life dreams
Ask what your partner’s cherished goals and aspirations are — not just their plans.
The Shared Meaning System - Transform the relationship, not just the issue
Use each conflict as an opportunity to raise the quality of the relationship itself.
The Third Alternative, Made Practical - Fight the problem, not each other
Reorient conflict so both partners face the problem together rather than facing each other.
Secure-Functioning Relationships - Ask "Are you willing to find a solution better than either of us has thought of?"
Open the conversation with a single question that resets both parties from adversaries to co-creators.
The Third Alternative, Made Practical - Map shared values before mapping the disagreement
In any conflict, identify the values or goals you and the other person genuinely share before cataloguing differences.
Naive Realism: Why Everyone Thinks They See Things as They Are - Find the crux: the one claim that, if changed, would change the conclusion
Locate the single empirical or value disagreement driving the whole dispute.
Productive Disagreement, Made Practical
Related concerns
- Unsolvable Conflicts Couples
Accept that most conflicts are unsolvable, and learn to discuss them without gridlock.
Dialogue with perpetual problems
- When Naive Realism Common Ground Mapping
In any conflict, identify the values or goals you and the other person genuinely share before cataloguing differences.
Map shared values before mapping the disagreement
- When Productive Disagreement Identify The Crux
Locate the single empirical or value disagreement driving the whole dispute.
Find the crux: the one claim that, if changed, would change the conclusion
- When Productive Disagreement Map Shared Premises
Start by explicitly building the shared map before marking where it diverges.
Map what you actually agree on before diving into the disagreement
- When Secure Functioning Fight The Problem Not Each Other
Reorient conflict so both partners face the problem together rather than facing each other.
Fight the problem, not each other
- Collaborative Problem Solving Ross Greene During Conflict
Ross Greene’s Collaborative Problem Solving model holds that kids with explosive behavior lack the cognitive skills to handle frustration and inflexibility — not the motivation. The approach replaces punitive consequences with structured adult–child conversations that build lagging skills over time. Randomized trials in clinical settings show significant reductions in explosive behavior, though most real-world evidence is clinical and observational.
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