Coaching practices for When We Sit Down to Hash Something Out it Always Turns Into Me Versus Them Across the Table and I'm Looking for a Way to Give Everyone Something Shared to Focus on So it Stops Feeling Like Two Sides Squaring Off
Describe almost anything you are working through and IX Coach finds the practices whose real-world fit is closest. For When We Sit Down to Hash Something Out it Always Turns Into Me Versus Them Across the Table and I'm Looking for a Way to Give Everyone Something Shared to Focus on So it Stops Feeling Like Two Sides Squaring Off, these are the strongest matches in the current practice library.
Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?
- Every time we get into this it turns into my side versus theirs, two solutions dug in, and it never occurs to either of us that we might actually want the same thing underneath the fight.
- When we sit down to hash something out, it always turns into me-versus-them across the table, and I’m looking for a way to give everyone something shared to focus on so it stops feeling like two sides squaring off.
- We’re about to sit down to hash this out and I can already feel us both arriving armed, each braced to win our version
- Somewhere in this I stopped seeing a problem we both have and started seeing the other person AS the problem
- We both keep digging into our positions and neither of us is really hearing why the other one cares
Practices that may help
- Find mutual purpose
Establish a shared goal both people care about so the conversation is "us vs the problem".
Crucial Conversations, Made Practical - Design a centerpiece that holds the circle’s purpose
A shared object at the center of the circle externalizes the group’s collective intention.
The Circle Process (Kay Pranis) - Ask "Are you willing to find a solution better than either of us has thought of?"
Open the conversation with a single question that resets both parties from adversaries to co-creators.
The Third Alternative, Made Practical - Separate the person from the problem
Treat the conflict as a problem you face together, not a contest you fight each other.
The Third Alternative, Made Practical - Collaborating (assertive and cooperative)
Work the underlying interests until you find a solution that genuinely meets both sides’ needs.
The Five Conflict-Resolution Styles - Fight the problem, not each other
Reorient conflict so both partners face the problem together rather than facing each other.
Secure-Functioning Relationships - Trade across differing priorities
Give on what you value less to get what you value more — and have them do the same.
Win-Win Thinking: Expanding the Pie - Identify compatible interests for joint gain
When both sides care about the same thing — quality, reputation, timing — agreements that serve that shared interest outperform splits.
Interests vs. Positions: The Core of Integrative Negotiation - Negotiate from abundance, not scarcity
Question the assumption that what one side gains the other must lose.
The Third Alternative, Made Practical - Map interests for both sides before generating solutions
Write down both parties’ known and inferred interests before proposing anything — the map reveals trades that no single position could.
Interests vs. Positions: The Core of Integrative Negotiation
Related concerns
- Cofounder Conflict
Work the underlying interests until you find a solution that genuinely meets both sides’ needs.
Collaborating (assertive and cooperative)
- Collaborative Problem Solving Ross Greene During Conflict
Ross Greene’s Collaborative Problem Solving model holds that kids with explosive behavior lack the cognitive skills to handle frustration and inflexibility — not the motivation. The approach replaces punitive consequences with structured adult–child conversations that build lagging skills over time. Randomized trials in clinical settings show significant reductions in explosive behavior, though most real-world evidence is clinical and observational.
- How To Find Common Ground
Establish a shared goal both people care about so the conversation is "us vs the problem".
Find mutual purpose
- The Shared Meaning System During Conflict
The shared meaning system is the top layer of John Gottman’s Sound Relationship House — the rituals, roles, goals, and symbols that give a couple’s life together a sense of shared purpose and identity. Gottman’s longitudinal research found that couples with a rich inner life of shared meaning were more resilient during conflict; the practices below show how to actively build one.
- When Crucial Conversations Find Mutual Purpose
Establish a shared goal both people care about so the conversation is "us vs the problem".
- When The Third Alternative Define Success Together
Agree on the criteria a good solution must meet before either side proposes anything.
Define what success looks like together, before proposing solutions
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