Coaching practices for The Shared Meaning System During Conflict

Describe almost anything you are working through and IX Coach finds the practices whose real-world fit is closest. For The Shared Meaning System During Conflict, these are the strongest matches in the current practice library.

Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?

• This disagreement has hardened into us-versus-them, like we want completely opposite things
• I assumed we wanted the same things, but lately our differences keep surfacing and I can’t tell which ones are real gaps in what we value and which are just us never having checked whether we’re actually aligned.
• I’m quietly furious about how much I carry, but we never actually agreed on who does what
• Somewhere in this I stopped seeing a problem we both have and started seeing the other person AS the problem
• Every time we get into this it turns into my side versus theirs, two solutions dug in, and it never occurs to either of us that we might actually want the same thing underneath the fight.

Practices that may help

1. The Shared Meaning System
   The shared meaning system is the top layer of John Gottman’s Sound Relationship House — the rituals, roles, goals, and symbols that give a couple’s life together a sense of shared purpose and identity. Gottman’s longitudinal research found that couples with a rich inner life of shared meaning were more resilient during conflict; the practices below show how to actively build one.
2. Map shared values before mapping the disagreement
   In any conflict, identify the values or goals you and the other person genuinely share before cataloguing differences.
   Naive Realism: Why Everyone Thinks They See Things as They Are
3. Align on core values — where they are shared and where they differ
   Map which values you genuinely share and which you each hold separately — without requiring convergence.
   The Shared Meaning System
4. Negotiate roles and responsibilities explicitly
   Make implicit expectations explicit so resentment doesn’t fill the gap.
   The Shared Meaning System
5. Separate the person from the problem
   Treat the conflict as a problem you face together, not a contest you fight each other.
   The Third Alternative, Made Practical
6. Find mutual purpose
   Establish a shared goal both people care about so the conversation is "us vs the problem".
   Crucial Conversations, Made Practical
7. Fight the problem, not each other
   Reorient conflict so both partners face the problem together rather than facing each other.
   Secure-Functioning Relationships
8. Design a centerpiece that holds the circle’s purpose
   A shared object at the center of the circle externalizes the group’s collective intention.
   The Circle Process (Kay Pranis)
9. Collaborating (assertive and cooperative)
   Work the underlying interests until you find a solution that genuinely meets both sides’ needs.
   The Five Conflict-Resolution Styles
10. Use Collaborating when the relationship and the solution both matter
    Collaborating — high assertive, high cooperative — finds a solution that genuinely works for both parties, but it takes time.
    The Thomas–Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI)

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