Coaching practices for Should I Teach My Kid How to Lie

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Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?

  • My kid has started hiding mistakes and bracing like they’re in trouble before I’ve even said anything, and I think it’s because my first reaction to a spill or a broken thing is always the accusation
  • Every conversation with my kid about their behavior turns into me laying down the law and them digging in, and I want a way to actually talk it through together
  • I tell my kid "good job" all day and it doesn’t seem to change anything
  • My kid won’t put on the coat, won’t pack the lunch, and every fiber of me wants to swoop in and save them from the small fallout
  • I keep telling my kid they’re so smart, so gifted

Practices that may help

  1. Cultivate a "yes brain": curiosity, courage, and resilience over reactivity
    Respond to the child’s world with curiosity and openness rather than threat and control.
    The Whole-Brain Child (Siegel & Bryson)
  2. Use Plan B: the three-step collaborative conversation
    Empathize with the child’s concern, share yours, and invite them to solve it together.
    Collaborative Problem Solving (Ross Greene)
  3. Use descriptive praise instead of generic approval
    Tell the child exactly what they did right so they know what to repeat.
    Triple P Parenting (Matthew Sanders)
  4. Allow natural consequences to do the teaching
    Step back and let the world respond — your child learns more from being cold than from being lectured about coats.
    Natural and Logical Consequences (Rudolf Dreikurs)
  5. Praise process, not innate ability
    Acknowledge effort, strategy, and choices rather than "you’re so smart".
    Growth Mindset: The Honest Version
  6. Teach that Green is the goal, not the only acceptable zone
    All zones are normal; the goal is knowing which zone a situation calls for and how to get there.
    Zones of Regulation (Leah Kuypers)
  7. Build mindsight by reflecting inner experience
    Describe your own inner experience in everyday conversation to build the child’s "mind-seeing" capacity.
    The Whole-Brain Child (Siegel & Bryson)
  8. Talk with your child about their day and interests
    Genuine conversational interest builds vocabulary, trust, and the relationship buffer that makes limits land without conflict.
    Triple P Parenting (Matthew Sanders)
  9. Take time for training — teach the skill, not just the rule
    Children misbehave partly because they don’t know how to do the right thing — teach the skill when everyone is calm.
    Positive Discipline (Jane Nelsen)
  10. Focus on solutions, not blame
    Ask "What can we do to fix this?" rather than "Why did you do that?" — one opens, the other closes.
    Positive Discipline (Jane Nelsen)

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