Coaching practices for Stan Tatkin Pact Model
Describe almost anything you are working through and IX Coach finds the practices whose real-world fit is closest. For Stan Tatkin Pact Model, these are the strongest matches in the current practice library.
Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?
- My partner sided with their family over me again, or didn’t back me up in front of others, and I’m left unsure whether they’ll actually put us first when it counts
- I trust my favorite framework so completely that I apply it everywhere without checking, and lately it’s been quietly steering me wrong
- We’re both dug into opposing positions and treating it like one of us has to lose, but this is someone I’ll keep working with and the outcome genuinely matters to both of us
- The deal is stuck because they swear the numbers will hit and I’m sure they won’t, and neither of us will budge on our forecast
- We shook hands on the idea feeling great, then a week later it fell apart because it turned out each of us had pictured something completely different
Practices that may help
- Secure-Functioning Relationships
Secure functioning, as defined by Stan Tatkin’s PACT model, means both partners operate as a team that actively manages each other’s safety and security — rather than each person managing their own needs separately. The model has a strong mechanistic basis in attachment neuroscience; formal RCT evidence for PACT specifically is limited but growing. - Create and protect the couple bubble
Agree that you each put the relationship above any third party, including family of origin.
Secure-Functioning Relationships - Constantly distinguish the map from the territory
A model is a simplification — know precisely where yours breaks down.
Mental Models: Charlie Munger’s Latticework Approach - Use Collaborating when the relationship and the solution both matter
Collaborating — high assertive, high cooperative — finds a solution that genuinely works for both parties, but it takes time.
The Thomas–Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI) - The Thomas–Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI)
The TKI identifies five conflict-handling modes — Competing, Collaborating, Compromising, Avoiding, and Accommodating — along two axes: how assertive you are in pursuing your own needs, and how cooperative you are in addressing others’. No mode is universally best; the skill is knowing which fits the situation and being able to shift deliberately rather than defaulting to one mode under pressure. - Bridge disagreements with contingent terms
When you disagree about the future, bet on it — tie terms to what actually happens.
Win-Win Thinking: Expanding the Pie - BATNA: Your Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement
BATNA (Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement), developed by Fisher, Ury, and Patton in Getting to Yes, is what you will do if this negotiation fails completely. It is the only rational basis for your walk-away point. A strong BATNA gives you genuine power because you can credibly walk away; a weak BATNA means any deal is better than your alternative, and a skilled counterpart will sense and exploit that. - The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, Made Practical
Patrick Lencioni’s model describes five compounding failures that undermine teams: absence of trust, fear of conflict, lack of commitment, avoidance of accountability, and inattention to results — each built on the one below. It is a practitioner framework presented as a business fable, not an empirically tested model, but its five dimensions align well with decades of team effectiveness research, making it a useful diagnostic even without controlled-trial support. - Make the third alternative tangible with a prototype or model
Turn an abstract third-alternative idea into something both parties can react to together.
The Third Alternative, Made Practical - Hold multiple maps simultaneously
For complex situations, develop two or three competing models and check which fits better.
The Map Is Not the Territory
Related concerns
- Tki Collaborating
Collaborating — high assertive, high cooperative — finds a solution that genuinely works for both parties, but it takes time.
Use Collaborating when the relationship and the solution both matter
- Written Confirmation Agreements
For important decisions, put the explicit agreement in writing even when the verbal exchange seemed clear.
Document key agreements in writing across the style gap
- Alternatives To Agreement
Turn an abstract third-alternative idea into something both parties can react to together.
Make the third alternative tangible with a prototype or model
- Building Security In Relationships
Move toward partners and dynamics that reward openness, and build security together.
Choose and co-create secure relationships
- Can A Stepfather And Stepson Relationship Work Well
Agree that you each put the relationship above any third party, including family of origin.
Create and protect the couple bubble
- Cofounder Conflict
Work the underlying interests until you find a solution that genuinely meets both sides’ needs.
Collaborating (assertive and cooperative)
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