Coaching practices for Ways to Mitigate a Recurring Argument Between Alice Who Avoids and Bob Who Seeks Resolution
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Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?
- There’s a problem I keep not bringing up
- We solve the immediate thing but the same ugly dynamic underneath stays exactly the same, so the next disagreement plays out identically
- Every time we get into this it turns into my side versus theirs, two solutions dug in, and it never occurs to either of us that we might actually want the same thing underneath the fight.
- The same fight with this person spirals every single time
- Somewhere in this I stopped seeing a problem we both have and started seeing the other person AS the problem
Practices that may help
- Avoiding (unassertive, uncooperative)
Sidestep or postpone the conflict when timing is bad or the issue isn’t worth engaging.
The Five Conflict-Resolution Styles - Transform the relationship, not just the issue
Use each conflict as an opportunity to raise the quality of the relationship itself.
The Third Alternative, Made Practical - Find mutual purpose
Establish a shared goal both people care about so the conversation is "us vs the problem".
Crucial Conversations, Made Practical - Responding to conflict without escalation
In a conflict, address the problem without attacking the person.
Ahimsa: Non-Violence as a Daily Practice - Separate the person from the problem
Treat the conflict as a problem you face together, not a contest you fight each other.
The Third Alternative, Made Practical - Collaborating (assertive and cooperative)
Work the underlying interests until you find a solution that genuinely meets both sides’ needs.
The Five Conflict-Resolution Styles - Dialogue with perpetual problems
Accept that most conflicts are unsolvable, and learn to discuss them without gridlock.
The Gottman Method, Made Practical - Walk down the ladder together in disagreements
In conflict, stop arguing about conclusions and descend together to the data level.
The Ladder of Inference - Practice "Tell me more" — defer rebuttal until genuine understanding
Respond to an opposing view with curiosity before you respond with counter-argument.
The Third Alternative, Made Practical - Use Avoiding strategically, not reflexively
Avoiding has a real place — but only when the issue is trivial, the timing is wrong, or cooling down is necessary.
The Thomas–Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI)
Related concerns
- How To Resolve Conflict
Use each conflict as an opportunity to raise the quality of the relationship itself.
Transform the relationship, not just the issue
- Inversion Solve Problems Backward During Conflict
Inversion is the mental model — popularized by Charlie Munger via the mathematician Carl Jacobi’s "invert, always invert" — of approaching a problem from its opposite end: instead of asking how to succeed, ask what would guarantee failure, then systematically avoid it. It is a reasoning heuristic, not a studied intervention, but it reliably surfaces risks and assumptions that forward thinking misses.
- When Productive Disagreement Identify The Crux
Locate the single empirical or value disagreement driving the whole dispute.
Find the crux: the one claim that, if changed, would change the conclusion
- Avoid Absolutes In Conflict
Absolute language triggers defensiveness and is almost never literally accurate.
Eliminate "always" and "never" from complaint language
- Avoiding Conflict
Sidestep or postpone the conflict when timing is bad or the issue isn’t worth engaging.
Avoiding (unassertive, uncooperative)
- Conflict Resolution Reasoning
In conflict, stop arguing about conclusions and descend together to the data level.
Walk down the ladder together in disagreements
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