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Coaching approaches

Authentic relating

Authentic relating is a set of structured practices in which people share what is true for them in the present moment and notice how they are received by others. It grew up in workshop communities rather than in universities, and no peer-reviewed outcome study of it under that name turned up in the sources checked. The closest research is on how closeness forms through self-disclosure and perceived responsiveness, and it supports the general ideas behind the practice rather than the practice itself.

What it is

Authentic relating is practised mostly in group workshops and regular meetings. Participants take turns sharing what is happening for them now, practise naming what they feel, and check how their words landed. Many of the exercises are short games with simple rules that move from light material toward more personal material.

Its aims are closeness, honesty and clearer contact between people. Its vocabulary comes from the community that teaches it, and the research that bears on it comes mostly from studies of intimacy and self-disclosure, which ask what makes people feel close. A related relational group practice, intersubjective inquiry, is set out on its own page.

Where it comes from

The practice grew up in workshop communities and is taught by facilitators and training groups. No source read for this page names who first developed its core games and exercises, so this page names the community rather than individuals.

Because it has been taught outside academic programmes, most of what is written about it is practitioner material. This page therefore relies on academic research about closeness for its evidence.

The principles underneath

Presence over performance

People are asked to say what is happening for them now, rather than what they think they ought to say.

Self-disclosure in steps

Exercises increase in personal depth gradually, so closeness is built rather than demanded. One study in Aron et al. (1997) used the same logic: escalating self-disclosure tasks produced more closeness than small talk, and later studies in that paper did not find the same effect.

Being received

A large part of the practice is noticing whether what was said was heard. Research on intimacy treats perceived responsiveness from another person as part of closeness (Laurenceau et al., 1998).

Describe your own experience

Participants are encouraged to say what they notice in themselves rather than interpret or judge the other person, which keeps the focus on each person's experience.

How a session runs

  1. The group opens with a short check-in in which each person says how they are arriving.
  2. The facilitator explains the agreement for the session, including that anyone can pass and that personal sharing is optional.
  3. Participants pair up or move through a series of short exercises, each more personal than the last.
  4. After each round, people say briefly what they noticed in themselves and what they felt they received from the other person.
  5. The session closes with a round in which each person names one thing they want to take away from it.

When it tends to fit

  • You feel close to people in some settings and cut off in others, and want to practise being more open within a structure.
  • A group meets regularly and wants a shared way to talk more honestly than small talk allows.
  • You want contact with others that is less about solving a problem and more about how you are with each other.

What the research shows

Evidence: Practitioner tradition — little or no outcome research

No peer-reviewed study of authentic relating as a practice turned up in the sources checked. The nearest research is experimental work on how closeness forms. In Aron and colleagues' 1997 paper, one study found greater closeness after a series of escalating self-disclosure tasks than after comparable small-talk tasks, while later studies in the same paper found no significant closeness effects for the other conditions they tested. Laurenceau and colleagues (1998) examined how self-disclosure, partner disclosure and perceived partner responsiveness relate to intimacy in everyday exchanges, and Reis and Shaver (2018) set out an interpersonal process model of intimacy.

Where the evidence is thin: None of these studies tested authentic relating. They examine self-disclosure and closeness in general, and the one positive closeness result in the 1997 paper was not found across the other conditions that paper tested.

Sources

  1. Aron, A., Melinat, E., Aron, E. N., Vallone, R. D., & Bator, R. J. (1997). The experimental generation of interpersonal closeness: A procedure and some preliminary findings. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 23(4), 363-377.
  2. Laurenceau, J.-P., Barrett, L. F., & Pietromonaco, P. R. (1998). Intimacy as an interpersonal process: The importance of self-disclosure, partner disclosure, and perceived partner responsiveness in interpersonal exchanges. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 74(5), 1238-1251.
  3. Reis, H. T., & Shaver, P. (2018). Intimacy as an interpersonal process. In Relationships, Well-Being and Behaviour (pp. 113-143). Routledge.

Where it stops

Closeness exercises can stir up old hurt. Someone with a history of trauma or abuse, or who is in a current crisis, should speak with a qualified professional before joining, and a facilitator should be able to pause or stop a session when someone is overwhelmed.

Feeling seen in a group does not replace a relationship in which problems are worked through over time. A person who wants help with a specific relationship difficulty is better served by a qualified couples or relationship professional.

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