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Coaching approaches

Self-compassion coaching

Self-compassion coaching helps you meet your own difficulties with the warmth you would offer a friend, and notice the harsh inner commentary that often runs underneath them. It draws on Kristin Neff's account of self-compassion as kindness toward oneself, a sense of shared human experience, and mindful awareness of pain. Trials of a structured self-compassion training workshop have been published, and meta-analyses cover compassion-based interventions in general, but a search for trials of self-compassion coaching did not find any.

What it is

A self-compassion conversation looks at how you treat yourself when things go wrong: the harsh inner commentary, the sense that you are the only one who struggles, and the pull to get lost in a bad feeling. The work is to turn toward the difficulty with warmth instead. Neff's 2003 account describes self-compassion in three parts: self-kindness rather than self-judgement, common humanity rather than isolation, and mindful awareness rather than over-identification.

In coaching, that means asking what you need when you are struggling, and practising a response that is warm and honest rather than forced. It does not mean lowering your standards. The approach assumes that responding to yourself with warmth makes it easier to see a problem clearly and act on it. That is a working assumption, and the research below tests related outcomes rather than that claim directly.

Where it comes from

Kristin Neff set out the concept of self-compassion in a 2003 paper (Neff, 2003). Neff and Christopher Germer later tested a structured self-compassion training workshop in a pilot study and a randomised controlled trial (Neff & Germer, 2013).

The principles underneath

Self-kindness

Responding to your own failings with warmth rather than contempt, in the way you would respond to someone you care about (Neff, 2003).

Common humanity

Recognising that struggle is part of ordinary human life, rather than evidence that you are uniquely failing (Neff, 2003).

Mindful awareness of pain

Noticing a hurt as it is, without being swept along by it or pushing it away (Neff, 2003).

Practice over insight

Self-compassion is treated as a skill that grows with repeated practice, which is how the workshop in the trial was built to train it (Neff & Germer, 2013).

How a session runs

  1. Begin with the situation that is hurting most right now, in a sentence or two.
  2. Notice where the self-criticism shows up, in your body and in the words you use about yourself.
  3. Name the difficulty as part of ordinary human experience, rather than as a sign that you are alone with it.
  4. Ask what you would need in that moment: comfort, honesty, rest, or one practical step.
  5. Choose one small practice to try before the next session, and note what changed when you tried it.

When it tends to fit

  • You are harsh with yourself after a mistake, and the criticism keeps going long after the mistake is over.
  • You notice you are waiting until you are better before you allow yourself any kindness.
  • A setback has left you ashamed, and you want a way to face it without making it worse.

What the research shows

Evidence: Randomized trials or meta-analyses

For the parent interventions, meaning self-compassion training and related compassion-based programmes, a meta-analysis of 21 randomised controlled trials (Kirby et al., 2017) reported significant between-group differences on self-compassion and other outcomes, and noted that the evidence relies mainly on small samples. The eight-week Mindful Self-Compassion workshop, which Neff and Germer developed, was tested in a pilot study of 21 adults and a randomised controlled trial comparing 25 workshop participants with 27 on a waitlist. That trial reported larger gains in self-compassion, mindfulness and wellbeing than the control group, and said those gains were kept at six-month and one-year follow-ups (Neff & Germer, 2013). A 2012 meta-analysis examined the association between self-compassion and psychopathology (MacBeth & Gumley, 2012). Neff's 2003 paper sets out the concept the training is built on (Neff, 2003).

Where the evidence is thin: The randomised trial tested a group training workshop, not one-to-one coaching, and it was small: 25 workshop participants and 27 controls, reported by the programme's developers. The meta-analyses cover compassion-based interventions and psychopathology in general, not coaching, and the compassion-based trials mostly have small samples. T applies to the parent interventions, not to coaching. A search for trials of self-compassion coaching did not find any, so the coaching form itself is untested.

Sources

  1. Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity.
  2. Neff, K. D., & Germer, C. K. (2013). A pilot study and randomized controlled trial of the mindful self-compassion program. Journal of Clinical Psychology.
  3. Kirby, J. N., Tellegen, C. L., & Steindl, S. R. (2017). A meta-analysis of compassion-based interventions: Current state of knowledge and future directions. Behavior Therapy.
  4. MacBeth, A., & Gumley, A. (2012). Exploring compassion: A meta-analysis of the association between self-compassion and psychopathology. Clinical Psychology Review.

Where it stops

For some people, being kind to themselves feels unsafe or unconvincing, especially after abuse or when self-criticism has been a form of protection. Working on that is slower, and it is better done with a qualified therapist.

Self-compassion is not a substitute for care when mood, eating, sleep or safety are a concern. In those cases, see a qualified professional, and contact emergency services if you are in danger.

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