Use "How am I supposed to do that?" to deflect impossible demands

Turning an unreasonable demand back into their problem collapses it without saying no.

Why it works

A direct refusal invites counter-argument and escalation. Asking "How am I supposed to do that?" passes the demand back to its owner and forces them to confront its feasibility for you. In answering, they often moderate the demand themselves — people are more persuaded by conclusions they reason their way to than ones handed to them, a well-established self-persuasion effect.

How to do it

1. When faced with a demand you cannot or will not meet, respond: "How am I supposed to do that?" in a calm, genuinely curious tone.
2. Listen carefully — their answer often reveals constraints, flexibility, or the real interest beneath the position.
3. Follow with a "What" question: "What would it look like if we could make this work?"
4. Do not rush to fill the silence after the question; the discomfort belongs to them, not you.

Evidence

Self-persuasion research (people act more on conclusions they reach themselves) and reactance theory (direct refusal triggers pushback) both underpin this tactic. The specific phrasing is Voss’s practitioner formulation. (mechanistic)

Self-persuasion and reactance effects are robustly studied in general; the precise efficacy of this phrasing in negotiation settings is based on field experience, not controlled trials.

Common mistake

Asking the question with visible frustration or sarcasm, which signals it is a rhetorical attack — the other side hears the refusal beneath it and digs in.