Assert your request or refusal directly and specifically
Ask for exactly what you want or say no — without hedging, hinting, or burying the request.
Why it works
Indirect requests ("it would be nice if...") or buried refusals ("I’m kind of busy but maybe...") fail because the other person can genuinely miss them, and then both parties are left without resolution. A direct, specific assertion gives the other person something concrete to respond to. Specificity reduces ambiguity that the other person can exploit ("I didn’t realize you meant that") and reduces the speaking person’s anxiety about whether the message was received.
How to do it
- State the specific request or refusal in plain language: "I’d like you to..." or "I’m not able to..."
- Keep it short — the request should be one sentence.
- Avoid qualifiers that undercut the assertion: "maybe," "if it’s not too much trouble," "whenever you get a chance" (unless you genuinely mean them).
Evidence
Assertiveness is associated with improved outcomes in negotiation and interpersonal conflict resolution across multiple research traditions. Direct requests produce clearer outcomes than indirect ones across a wide range of social situations. (observational)
Cultural context matters significantly: directness that reads as assertive in one cultural setting reads as aggressive or rude in another; calibrate accordingly.
Common mistake
Asserting and then immediately softening the assertion out of discomfort ("I want you to change this, but it’s really up to you, whatever you think") — which sends both the request and a retraction simultaneously.
Practice this with IX Coach
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More practices for DEAR MAN: DBT’s Skill for Asking for What You Want Effectively
- Describe the situation with observable facts
State what actually happened — just the observable facts, without interpretation.
- Express how you feel using "I" statements
Say how the situation affects you — "I feel..." rather than "you make me feel..."
- Reinforce by explaining the benefit to the other person
Tell the other person what is in it for them — or what the positive outcome looks like for both of you.
- Stay mindful of your goal when the conversation gets difficult
Keep returning to your goal and resist being pulled into side arguments or emotional spirals.
- Appear confident even when you don’t feel it
Maintain eye contact, a level voice, and an upright posture — confidence is performed before it’s felt.
- Negotiate: know your minimum and be willing to give and take
Decide in advance what you are willing to accept short of your full ask, and be ready to offer something in exchange.
Related concepts
- Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) Skills, Made Practical
The four DBT skill sets, the mechanisms behind them, and an honest read on the evidence
- GIVE: DBT’s Skill for Preserving Relationships During Difficult Conversations
Four relationship-preserving behaviors to use during any difficult interpersonal interaction
- Assertiveness Training, Made Practical
The clinical techniques, the mechanisms behind them, and an honest read on the evidence