Appear confident even when you don’t feel it
Maintain eye contact, a level voice, and an upright posture — confidence is performed before it’s felt.
Why it works
Nonverbal signals — voice tone, posture, eye contact, pacing — communicate as much as words and often more. A hesitant delivery undercuts the content of a direct request, signaling ambivalence that the other person reads and responds to. Deliberately adopting confident nonverbals does not require feeling confident first: the performance of confidence through posture and vocal tone feeds back into subjective confidence through proprioceptive and interoceptive channels.
How to do it
- Before the conversation, take a few deep breaths and consciously settle your posture.
- Speak at a moderate pace — faster or slower than usual both signal anxiety.
- Maintain eye contact during the assertion itself, even if you look away at other moments.
- Avoid upward inflection at the end of requests, which turns statements into questions.
Evidence
Nonverbal communication research consistently shows that posture, voice tone, and eye contact affect listener perception of confidence and assertiveness. There is also evidence that adopting confident body posture can increase subjective confidence, though the "power posing" specific claim has had replication issues. (observational)
The nonverbal signaling of confidence is robustly supported; the claim that posture causes internal hormonal shifts (power posing) has not replicated reliably. The practical advice here rests on the signaling, not the hormonal claim.
Common mistake
Apologizing for the request while making it ("I’m sorry to bother you, but...") — which communicates that the request is an imposition before the other person has even heard it.
Practice this with IX Coach
7 days free, then $40/month (~$1.30/day).
More practices for DEAR MAN: DBT’s Skill for Asking for What You Want Effectively
- Describe the situation with observable facts
State what actually happened — just the observable facts, without interpretation.
- Express how you feel using "I" statements
Say how the situation affects you — "I feel..." rather than "you make me feel..."
- Assert your request or refusal directly and specifically
Ask for exactly what you want or say no — without hedging, hinting, or burying the request.
- Reinforce by explaining the benefit to the other person
Tell the other person what is in it for them — or what the positive outcome looks like for both of you.
- Stay mindful of your goal when the conversation gets difficult
Keep returning to your goal and resist being pulled into side arguments or emotional spirals.
- Negotiate: know your minimum and be willing to give and take
Decide in advance what you are willing to accept short of your full ask, and be ready to offer something in exchange.
Related concepts
- Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) Skills, Made Practical
The four DBT skill sets, the mechanisms behind them, and an honest read on the evidence
- GIVE: DBT’s Skill for Preserving Relationships During Difficult Conversations
Four relationship-preserving behaviors to use during any difficult interpersonal interaction
- Assertiveness Training, Made Practical
The clinical techniques, the mechanisms behind them, and an honest read on the evidence