Describe the situation with observable facts

State what actually happened — just the observable facts, without interpretation.

Why it works

Opening with interpretation or feeling ("you always dismiss me") immediately activates the other person’s defensiveness, because interpretation contains an implicit accusation. Starting with observable facts ("in yesterday’s meeting, the report wasn’t mentioned") presents shared reality that is hard to argue with. It also signals that the speaker is reasoning from evidence rather than reacting emotionally, which increases the other person’s willingness to engage.

How to do it

1. Limit the opening to what was directly observable: specific behavior, specific time, specific context.
2. Remove evaluations ("you were rude") and replace with behavior ("you cut me off three times").
3. Keep it to one or two sentences — brevity signals precision, not aggression.

Evidence

Nonviolent communication and assertiveness training research both identify observation vs. evaluation as a key distinction that affects listener defensiveness and engagement. Observable statements are harder to deny and less activating than characterizations. (clinical)

DEAR MAN is an established clinical skill within DBT; the component-level mechanisms draw on assertiveness training and NVC literature rather than DEAR MAN-specific trials.

Common mistake

Describing the situation and simultaneously explaining what it meant ("you didn’t answer, which means you don’t respect me") — the interpretation belongs in a later step, not the description.