Be a good listener; encourage others to talk about themselves

Most people would rather have a great listener than a great talker.

Why it works

Talking about oneself is intrinsically rewarding — it engages the brain’s reward circuitry much as primary rewards do. A listener who creates room for that becomes associated with the good feeling, and the speaker leaves the exchange liking the listener more, often without knowing why.

How to do it

1. Ask open questions, then resist filling the silence that follows.
2. Let the other person be the protagonist of most of the conversation.
3. Reflect back the gist before adding your own thread, so they feel heard first.

Evidence

Research on self-disclosure finds that talking about oneself is experienced as rewarding, which supports why good listeners are liked. Carnegie’s framing of it is anecdotal. fMRI work locates this reward directly, showing self-disclosure engages the brain’s dopaminergic reward circuitry. (observational)

The reward of self-disclosure is studied; the prescription to weaponize it as a likeability tactic is Carnegie’s, and works only when the listening is sincere.

Sources

• Tamir, D. I., & Mitchell, J. P. (2012). Disclosing information about the self is intrinsically rewarding. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 109(21), 8038–8043.
• Huang, K., Yeomans, M., Brooks, A. W., Minson, J., & Gino, F. (2017). It doesn't hurt to ask: Question-asking increases liking. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 113(3), 430–452.

Common mistake

Confusing waiting-to-speak with listening — staying silent while mentally rehearsing your reply, which the speaker can feel.