Make the other person feel important — sincerely

Talk to people in terms of what matters to them, and give honest, specific appreciation.

Why it works

The desire to feel important is a deep human motive, and specific appreciation meets it directly. Sincerity is the dividing line: honest appreciation names something true and particular, while flattery is generic and self-serving — and people are surprisingly good at telling them apart.

How to do it

1. Find something genuinely admirable and name it specifically, not generically.
2. Frame requests around what the other person values, not only what you want.
3. Withhold the compliment entirely if you can’t make it honest — flattery costs trust.

Evidence

Carnegie’s appreciation principle is practitioner wisdom. It rhymes with research on reciprocity and on the motivational pull of feeling valued, but the prescription itself is anecdotal. The reciprocity-of-liking research shows that regard tends to be returned, which is the mechanism that makes sincere appreciation land. (anecdotal)

The crucial sincerity caveat is Carnegie’s own and is well-founded: insincere flattery erodes trust once detected.

Sources

• Montoya, R. M., & Insko, C. A. (2008). Toward a more complete understanding of the reciprocity of liking effect. European Journal of Social Psychology, 38(3), 477–498.

Common mistake

Reaching for flattery — vague praise designed to get something — instead of honest, specific appreciation of something real.