Invite what it does not want to happen
Invite a stuck feeling or reaction to let you know what it does not want to happen to you; underneath there is often something it is protecting.
Why it works
Cornell and McGavin developed inviting the "not-wanting" and "wanting" of a part in their collaboration. In her essay on the inner critic, Cornell writes that it helps to invite the part to let you know what it is not wanting to happen to you, and that this phrasing validates the protective nature of the part. A reaction that keeps coming back, such as putting things off, is treated here the same way, which extends the essay beyond the critic.
How to do it
- Keep company with a reaction that keeps coming back, such as the urge to put something off.
- Invite it, gently and without demanding an answer, to let you know what it does not want to happen to you.
- Wait. When something comes, say it back with empathy: "No wonder you don't want that."
- Only after the not-wanting feels heard, sense what it does want for you.
Evidence
The manual names inviting the not-wanting and wanting of a part among the terms Cornell and McGavin use. Cornell's essay on the inner critic describes the invitation and the protective function it reveals. This is clinical and teaching experience; no study has tested it. (anecdotal)
That a repeating reaction is protecting something is a working assumption from practitioners' experience, not a tested finding. Cornell's protective wording is about the inner critic, so applying it to other reactions extends her essay. Treat what comes as something to sense, not a confirmed explanation. If you feel flooded, lose track of where you are, or images will not settle, stop and work with a trained therapist.
Sources
- Cornell, A. W., & McGavin, B. (2002). The Focusing Student's and Companion's Manual, Part One. Calluna Press.
- Cornell, A. W. (n.d.). Radical Gentleness: The Transformation of the Inner Critic. In The Radical Acceptance of Everything: Living a Focusing Life (featuring Barbara McGavin). Calluna Press.
Common mistake
Asking from your head and supplying the answer yourself ("It doesn't want me to fail"). Invite it and wait for what comes, rather than deciding what it is.
Practice this with IX Coach
More practices for Inner Relationship Focusing: Being With the Parts of You That Feel
- Say "something in me" instead of "I am"
Change "I am angry" to "I'm sensing something in me that feels angry", so you can be with the feeling instead of being it.
- Say hello to the part that pushes back against a feeling
When a reaction such as impatience or "not this again" rises against a feeling, say hello to that reaction as well, so it is acknowledged rather than pushing the feeling out of view.
- Keep it company with interested curiosity
Check whether it is all right to be with what you feel, then sit with it the way you would sit with a frightened child: no pushing, no fixing.
- Sense how it feels from its point of view
Shift from how the feeling seems to you to how things seem to it: what it feels, and what its mood is.
- Be with the inner critic and the part it criticizes
Instead of fighting the critic or collapsing under it, sense both the critic and the part being criticized as something in you, each in its own space.
- Notice when you have merged with a part or are pushing one away
Recognize the two ways of losing Presence — becoming the part, or shutting it out — and come back to being the one who can be with both.
- Take turns with a Focusing companion
Trade time with a partner: one person focuses and leads, the other keeps them company by saying back what they hear.
Related concepts
- Focusing and the Felt Sense, Made Practical
Listening to the body’s pre-verbal knowledge — the six steps and their mechanisms
- Shadow Work
Meeting the parts of yourself you have been ignoring
- Internal Family Systems (IFS), Made Practical
The parts model, the mechanisms behind it, and an honest read on an emerging evidence base
- Voice Dialogue: Meeting the Selves That Run Your Life
Hearing the pusher, the pleaser and the critic in their own voices, so they stop running you unnoticed
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