Define what success looks like together, before proposing solutions
Agree on the criteria a good solution must meet before either side proposes anything.
Why it works
Proposals invite immediate evaluation and counter-proposal — the ratchet of positional bargaining. Criteria shift the conversation one level up, to interests and values, where agreement is far easier. A shared success definition then acts as an objective standard against which any proposed solution can be judged, depersonalising the evaluation.
How to do it
- Ask: "What does a winning solution look like to you? What must it accomplish?"
- List all stated criteria visibly (whiteboard, shared doc) so neither side feels unheard.
- Look for overlap and apparent conflicts in the criteria — both are information.
- Agree on the combined list before generating any solutions.
Evidence
Separating interests from positions is the most replicated finding in negotiation research. Groups that clarify joint success criteria before proposing reach more integrative agreements. (observational)
Most of this research is in laboratory or organizational settings; real political and interpersonal conflicts introduce power dynamics that complicate the method.
Sources
- Pruitt & Carnevale (1993), Negotiation in Social Conflict — review of integrative bargaining research
Common mistake
Framing your own success criteria as the criteria, then asking the other side to add theirs — this reinstates the positional dynamic inside a criteria-setting frame.
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More practices for The Third Alternative, Made Practical
- Ask "Are you willing to find a solution better than either of us has thought of?"
Open the conversation with a single question that resets both parties from adversaries to co-creators.
- Model synergy: ask "what would a solution have to look like to address both?"
Use the agreed criteria as a design brief and generate solutions that meet all of them.
- Practice "Tell me more" — defer rebuttal until genuine understanding
Respond to an opposing view with curiosity before you respond with counter-argument.
- Make the third alternative tangible with a prototype or model
Turn an abstract third-alternative idea into something both parties can react to together.
- Transform the relationship, not just the issue
Use each conflict as an opportunity to raise the quality of the relationship itself.
- Separate the person from the problem
Treat the conflict as a problem you face together, not a contest you fight each other.
- Negotiate from abundance, not scarcity
Question the assumption that what one side gains the other must lose.