How do I feel about commitment? A 3-minute self-reflection

About 3 minutes · 14 statements · Your answers stay on this page

Some people say 'I have commitment issues' as a joke, some as a confession, and some because a partner said it first. Underneath, the question is usually less about whether something is wrong with you and more about what you actually want, and what gets in the way when a relationship starts to become serious. This reflection looks at three threads that often get folded together under 'fear of commitment': how much you want something lasting, how much you guard your freedom and keep your options open, and how much you worry about choosing wrong or being hurt if it ends. You'll rate fourteen everyday statements, which takes about three minutes, and each answer shows you one short line back. At the end we describe the pattern your answers lean toward, what's useful in it, where it can cost you, a small practice, and some questions that might be worth a real conversation, with yourself or with someone else. It isn't a diagnosis, and 'commitment issues' isn't a condition; it's a label people try on. Your answers never leave this page.

A reflection, not a diagnosis. Hesitating about commitment, or not wanting it right now, is an ordinary part of adult life, not a condition. If the same pattern keeps causing you real distress, a counsellor or therapist can help in ways a reflection can't.

About the idea

One of the most studied ideas about commitment comes from the social psychologist Caryl Rusbult. In her investment model, first tested in 1980, how committed someone feels to a relationship depends on more than how satisfied they are. It also depends on how attractive the alternatives seem and how much they have already put in. That gives a useful way to think about hesitation: it may come from the relationship itself, from the options around it, or from what feels at stake.

The researchers Scott Stanley, Galena Rhoades and Howard Markman have written about the difference between sliding and deciding. Many couples move into big steps, such as living together, without ever really choosing them, and the authors argue that steps slid into can build momentum that keeps people together regardless of how well the relationship fits. Their concern is not commitment itself; they suggest that a commitment chosen on purpose stands on firmer ground than one drifted into.

'Commitment issues' and 'fear of commitment' are everyday phrases, not clinical terms. Hesitating before a big step can be wise, and so can wanting to stay unattached for a while. The patterns below are our own descriptions, written for IX Coach, meant to help you see what your hesitation, or your readiness, is made of.

What this reflection looks at

• Wanting something lasting — Higher means part of you would like a lasting partnership and feels glad when a relationship starts going somewhere.
• Guarding your options — Higher means plans, labels and 'forever' can feel like losing air, and you tend to keep a door open.
• Fear of getting it wrong — Higher means you worry about picking the wrong person, getting stuck, or being hurt if it ends, and hold back to protect yourself.

Questions people ask

Sources

1. Rusbult, C. E. (1980). Commitment and satisfaction in romantic associations: A test of the investment model. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 16(2), 172–186. doi.org/10.1016/0022-1031(80)90007-4
   Supports: Commitment depends not only on satisfaction but also on the quality of available alternatives and the size of one's investment in the relationship.
2. Rusbult, C. E., Martz, J. M. & Agnew, C. R. (1998). The Investment Model Scale: Measuring commitment level, satisfaction level, quality of alternatives, and investment size. Personal Relationships, 5(4), 357–387. doi.org/10.1111/j.1475-6811.1998.tb00177.x
   Supports: The investment model's parts (commitment, satisfaction, alternatives, investments) as later measured; cited for the construct only, none of its items are used here.
3. Stanley, S. M., Rhoades, G. K. & Markman, H. J. (2006). Sliding versus deciding: Inertia and the premarital cohabitation effect. Family Relations, 55(4), 499–509. doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2006.00418.x
   Supports: Relationship transitions that are slid into rather than decided can build inertia that keeps people together regardless of quality or fit.

The statements in this reflection were written for IX Coach; they are not taken from any published questionnaire. Last reviewed 2026-10-08.