What's my conflict style? A 3-minute self-reflection

About 3 minutes · 12 statements · Your answers stay on this page

When you disagree with someone who matters to you, there's usually a move you reach for before you've thought about it: you hold your ground, you smooth things over, you go quiet and hope it passes, you look for a middle point, or you try to find something that works for you both. None of these is right every time, and most of us use several, depending on the person and what's at stake. This reflection looks at where you lean along two lines researchers have used for decades: how much you care about getting what you need from a disagreement, and how much you care about the other person and the relationship while it's happening. There are twelve everyday statements to rate, about three minutes' worth. Your result describes the habit your answers lean toward, when it serves you, when it costs you, and one small thing worth trying, and asks you a few questions so you can test it against real disagreements you've had. Your answers never leave this page.

A reflection, not a diagnosis. A conflict style is a habit, not a trait or a condition, and it shifts with the person and the stakes. A counsellor or therapist can talk it through with you.

Slide each statement from “Not at all like me” to “Very much like me”. Each answer is set when you let go, and shows you something back right away.

1. In a disagreement, I keep hold of what I need until it has actually been heard.

2. When we disagree, I think about how the other person is feeling as much as about the issue.

3. When we disagree, I often let my own position go without much of a fight.

4. I go out of my way to keep things warm between us when we're at odds.

5. I'd rather win a point that matters to me than keep everything smooth.

6. I can let a disagreement strain the relationship a little if it gets me the outcome I want.

7. I'm willing to argue my case firmly, even if it gets uncomfortable.

8. I try to understand why the other person wants what they want.

9. I rarely push hard for what I want when someone else wants something different.

10. During a disagreement, the other person's feelings are mostly their own business.

11. It matters to me that the outcome includes what I came for.

12. A solution that leaves the other person hurt feels like a bad solution to me.

The patterns this reflection describes

About the idea

The two-line picture here is usually called the dual-concern model: how people handle a disagreement depends on how much they care about their own outcome and how much they care about the other person's. The organisational psychologist Afzalur Rahim set out five styles from the two concerns. His own labels are integrating, obliging, dominating, avoiding and compromising; the five habits below match them in plain words: stepping back when both concerns are low, putting the relationship first when concern for the other is high and for yourself is low, standing up for your side for the reverse, looking for a shared answer when both are high, and finding a fair middle in the middle.

The model is widely used for describing the choices people make. In 2001, a research team led by Carsten De Dreu built a questionnaire around the same two concerns. In a negotiation study, people's own reports of how they handled conflict matched what their opponents and observers saw for problem solving, forcing and yielding, but not for avoiding. Much of the research was done in workplaces and negotiations rather than in friendships or families, and the best style depends on the issue, the person and the stakes. Looking for a shared answer is often a good aim, but it takes time and goodwill from both sides, so it is not always available.

We'd suggest holding the five patterns below as habits you lean on, not as types of person. Most people recognise themselves in more than one, and the more useful question is usually which habit you reach for under pressure, and whether it fits the moment you're in.

What this reflection looks at

Concern for getting what you need — Higher means that in a disagreement you stay with what you need and push for an outcome that includes it.
Concern for the other person and the relationship — Higher means that while you disagree you pay close attention to how the other person feels and what the relationship needs.

Questions people ask

Is there a best conflict style?

No single one. Researchers describe each style as useful in some situations and costly in others. Looking for a shared answer often works well because it takes both concerns seriously, but it needs time and a willing partner. Stepping back can be wise when something is small or the moment is too heated, and putting the relationship first can be right when the relationship matters more than the point.

Can my conflict style change?

Yes. It's a habit rather than a fixed trait, and people shift it with practice, with a change in circumstances, and depending on who they're in conflict with. Many people notice they handle a partner, a boss and a friend quite differently.

Why did I get a different result than I expected?

The statements ask about disagreements in general, and most people's habits vary with the person and the stakes. If you found yourself answering with one relationship in mind, try retaking it for that person specifically and compare the two results.

When should I talk to a professional?

If disagreements in a relationship leave you frightened, if you feel controlled or unable to say what you need without fear, or if the same conflict keeps repeating despite your best efforts, a counsellor or therapist can help, alone or together. If a relationship involves fear, control or harm, the US National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788) can talk it through, and outside the US a local domestic abuse service can. If you are in crisis, the numbers on this page connect you to someone now.

Sources

Rahim, M. A. (2002). Toward a theory of managing organizational conflict. International Journal of Conflict Management, 13(3), 206–235. doi.org/10.1108/eb022874
Supports: Conflict-handling styles organised around concern for self and concern for others.
De Dreu, C. K. W., Evers, A., Beersma, B., Kluwer, E. S. & Nauta, A. (2001). A theory-based measure of conflict management strategies in the workplace. Journal of Organizational Behavior, 22(6), 645–668. doi.org/10.1002/job.107
Supports: A measure built on the two concerns; in a negotiation study, self-reports matched opponent and observer reports for problem solving, forcing and yielding but not for avoiding.
Rahim, M. A. (1983). A measure of styles of handling interpersonal conflict. Academy of Management Journal, 26(2), 368–376. doi.org/10.2307/255985
Supports: Early measurement of conflict-handling styles along the two concerns.

The statements in this reflection were written for IX Coach; they are not taken from any published questionnaire. Last reviewed 2026-10-03.

Practice this with IX Coach

Not sure which pattern fits, or want to go further? Io, IX Coach's AI coach, can explore your conflict style with you.

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