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What's my dating style? A 3-minute self-reflection

About 3 minutes · 12 statements · Your answers stay on this page

Some people know by the second date; some need months of friendship first. Some send the first message; some wait to be found. A dating style is the shape your dating tends to take, and knowing yours can make it easier to see what you want next. This reflection looks at three threads: your pace once you like someone, whether you tend to make the move or let it come to you, and whether you're drawn mostly by spark or by fit. You'll rate twelve everyday statements, which takes about three minutes, and each answer shows you one short line back. At the end you'll see the style your answers lean toward, what's good in it, where it can trip you up, a small practice to try, and a line you can share if you'd like to. It's a reflection, not a personality test and not a diagnosis, and your answers never leave this page.

A reflection, not a diagnosis. A dating style is a set of habits that shift with the person and the season, not a type or a condition. If dating has become bound up with fear or with being hurt, a counsellor or therapist can help in ways a reflection can't.

Think about how you tend to date, across the people you've been interested in.

Slide each statement from “Not at all like me” to “Very much like me”. Each answer is set when you let go, and shows you something back right away.

1. Once I like someone, I want to be in touch most days.
2. If I'm interested in someone, I'm usually the one to suggest meeting up.
3. I know quite quickly, often on the first date, whether there's something there.
4. I'd rather get to know someone slowly, as a friend first.
5. I tend to wait and see whether the other person reaches out first.
6. Shared values and a compatible way of life matter more to me than an instant spark.
7. I've imagined a future with someone after only a few dates.
8. Asking someone out feels more exciting to me than nerve-racking.
9. If the spark isn't there early, I find it hard to stay interested.
10. In the early weeks of seeing someone, I keep my life going much as usual.
11. In dating, I'd rather be chosen than do the choosing.
12. Before getting attached, I check whether someone fits what I'm looking for long-term.

The patterns this reflection describes

About the idea

The sociologist John Alan Lee described several 'styles' of love in the 1970s, and in 1986 the psychologists Clyde and Susan Hendrick built a questionnaire to study them. Three of those styles are close to the threads here: eros, a passionate love that comes on strong; storge, a love that grows out of friendship; and pragma, a practical love that weighs whether someone fits. In the Hendricks' studies, the styles came out as distinct from one another, and people's love attitudes were related to things like their past experiences of love. Our patterns borrow loosely from those ideas; the names and statements are our own.

It also helps to know that what we say we want and what draws us in person can differ. In a 2008 speed-dating study, the psychologists Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel found that how much people said beforehand that things like looks and earning prospects mattered to them did not predict who they actually felt drawn to at the event. It is one study of one kind of setting, and findings like this keep being tested, so we hold it lightly. Whatever your style, it can be worth holding your picture of 'my type' a little loosely.

This research describes groups of people, mostly through questionnaires and short studies, so it can't predict your love life. A dating style also shifts with the person in front of you and the season you're in. Take your result as a snapshot to play with, not a box.

What this reflection looks at

  • Pace once you like someone — Higher means that once you like someone, you want lots of contact early and your feelings and plans move quickly.
  • Who makes the move — Higher means you tend to be the one who reaches out, asks, and suggests the plan.
  • Spark or fit — Higher means chemistry and early feeling lead the way; lower means shared values and practical fit weigh more.

Questions people ask

Is my dating style fixed?

No. Most people date differently with different people and at different times of life. Your result is a snapshot of how you tend to date now, which can be useful to look at, and it can change as you do.

Is one dating style better than another?

No. Each one carries something good and something that can trip you up. A slow burn builds on solid ground and can be mistaken for low interest; an all-in start feels wonderful and can run ahead of what you know. The point is to see yours, not to swap it.

What if my style is very different from the person I'm seeing?

That's common, and it's usually something to talk about rather than a problem. Saying plainly how you like to pace things, and asking how they do, can save a lot of misreading on both sides.

Is this a personality test or a diagnosis, and when should I talk to someone?

Neither. It's a self-reflection with statements we wrote for IX Coach, and it can't tell you anything certain about you. If dating keeps bringing up the same painful pattern, or you'd like help working out what you want, a counsellor or therapist can help in ways a reflection can't. If someone you're dating makes you feel afraid, pressured or controlled, this reflection isn't built for that; talking to someone you trust or a support service is the better next step. If you are in crisis, the numbers on this page connect you to someone now.

Sources

  1. Hendrick, C. & Hendrick, S. (1986). A theory and method of love. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 50(2), 392–402. doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.50.2.392
    Supports: Lee's love styles, including eros (passionate), storge (friendship-based) and pragma (practical), measured as distinct attitudes.
  2. Eastwick, P. W. & Finkel, E. J. (2008). Sex differences in mate preferences revisited: Do people know what they initially desire in a romantic partner? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 94(2), 245–264. doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.94.2.245
    Supports: Preferences people stated before a speed-dating event (such as for attractiveness and earning prospects) did not predict whom they actually felt drawn to at it.

The statements in this reflection were written for IX Coach; they are not taken from any published questionnaire. Last reviewed 2026-10-07.

Practice this with IX Coach

Not sure which pattern fits, or want to go further? Io, IX Coach's AI coach, can explore your dating style with you.

Talk it through with Io

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