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Do I need to be in control? A 3-minute self-reflection

About 3 minutes · 12 statements · Your answers stay on this page

Some of us like to know the plan for the week before it begins, would rather do a thing ourselves than explain it, and feel a small lurch when plans change at the last minute. Others go along easily, or like things best left open. Most of us sit somewhere in between and move around depending on what's at stake. Psychologists have studied two separate things here, each on its own: how much people like to be the one steering, and how comfortable they are when they can't know how something will turn out. Rating the twelve everyday statements takes about three minutes. You'll see where you seem to sit on those two lines, a description of the pattern that leans toward, the good we see in it and the price it can carry, one small practice for today, and some questions to try it against. These are everyday tendencies, there are no right answers, and your answers never leave this page.

A reflection, not a diagnosis. Wanting control and wanting certainty are ordinary, useful tendencies that most people have in some measure, not a condition. If worry about the unknown takes over your days, a doctor or counsellor can help in ways a reflection can't.

Slide each statement from “Not at all like me” to “Very much like me”. Each answer is set when you let go, and shows you something back right away.

1. I'd rather do something myself than hand it over and risk it being done differently.
2. Not knowing how something will turn out is harder for me than hearing bad news.
3. I like to know the plan for the week before the week begins.
4. When a plan changes at the last minute, I feel thrown for a good while.
5. It's hard for me to let someone else take the lead on something I care about.
6. Before something new, I like to think through what could go wrong so I'm ready.
7. I'm comfortable letting others decide how a shared task gets done.
8. I can start something without knowing exactly how it will end.
9. In a group, I usually want a say in how things are run.
10. I like to gather more information before deciding, even when I probably have enough.
11. I'm happy to go along with whatever the group decides.
12. A day with no structure and nothing planned feels freeing to me.

The patterns this reflection describes

About the idea

In 1979 the psychologists Jerry Burger and Harvey Cooper proposed that people differ in how much they want to control events in their lives, which they called the desirability of control. People who rate themselves high tend to prefer taking charge and making their own decisions, and people who rate themselves low are more comfortable letting others or circumstances lead. The psychologist Ellen Skinner later added an important caution: control is not one thing. Wanting control, believing you have it, and actually having it are different, and they don't always line up.

The second line in this reflection is about not knowing. Researchers describe a trait called intolerance of uncertainty, the tendency to react negatively to situations where the outcome can't be known, and a related idea called the need for closure, the pull toward a firm answer over an open question. Much of this research comes from the study of worry, but people vary in how strongly they react to unknowns, and this reflection uses the idea only as an everyday preference for plans and information.

Two honest limits. Most of this evidence comes from questionnaires and describes averages across groups, so it is better at telling you what is common than what is true for you. And the twelve statements here were written for IX Coach, not taken from a research scale. Wanting control is useful much of the time, and the question we find most useful is whether it fits the moment.

What this reflection looks at

  • Wanting to steer — Higher means you prefer to be the one deciding how things are done, and handing things over takes effort.
  • Unease with not knowing — Higher means not knowing how something will turn out is hard to sit with, and you lean toward more information and structure.

Questions people ask

Am I a control freak?

That's a label for a whole person, and what this reflection looks at is a tendency. Plenty of people like to steer, plan or know how things will turn out, and much of the time it serves them well. The more useful question is where it fits the moment, and where it costs you or the people close to you.

Is this a test or a diagnosis?

Neither. It's a self-reflection built on two ideas from psychology research, the desirability of control and tolerance of uncertainty, with statements written for IX Coach. It isn't a validated scale and isn't a screen for anything.

Why is delegating so hard for some people?

There are many reasons, and one common one is simple: doing it yourself has usually worked, and handing it over adds the risk of it being done differently or going wrong. Starting with something small, and judging the outcome rather than the method, tends to build trust in both directions.

When should I talk to a professional?

If worry about what you can't know or control is taking over your days, interfering with sleep, work or relationships, or if it feels out of proportion and hard to switch off, it's worth talking with a doctor or counsellor. They can help in ways a reflection can't. If control in a relationship is part of this, whether someone controls you or you are afraid of what a partner might do, the US National Domestic Violence Hotline is free and confidential (call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788); outside the US, a local domestic abuse service can help. If you are in crisis, the numbers on this page connect you to someone now.

Sources

  1. Burger, J. M. & Cooper, H. M. (1979). The desirability of control. Motivation and Emotion, 3(4), 381–393. doi.org/10.1007/BF00994052
    Supports: People differ in how much they want to control events in their lives.
  2. Skinner, E. A. (1996). A guide to constructs of control. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 71(3), 549–570. doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.71.3.549
    Supports: Wanting control, believing you have it and actually having it are distinct ideas.
  3. Carleton, R. N. (2016). Into the unknown: A review and synthesis of contemporary models involving uncertainty. Journal of Anxiety Disorders, 39, 30–43. doi.org/10.1016/j.janxdis.2016.02.007
    Supports: Intolerance of uncertainty and fear of the unknown as constructs; studied mostly in anxiety research and related to other traits.
  4. Kruglanski, A. W. & Webster, D. M. (1996). Motivated closing of the mind: 'Seizing' and 'freezing'. Psychological Review, 103(2), 263–283. doi.org/10.1037/0033-295X.103.2.263
    Supports: The need for closure: people differ in how strongly they want a firm answer over an open question.

The statements in this reflection were written for IX Coach; they are not taken from any published questionnaire. Last reviewed 2026-10-03.

Practice this with IX Coach

Not sure which pattern fits, or want to go further? Io, IX Coach's AI coach, can explore your approach to control with you.

Talk it through with Io

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