Coaching practices for I'm Worn Out From Constantly Managing How I Come Across Replaying What People Might Think of Me My Mood Rises and Falls on Their Approval and I Want My Sense of Myself to Stop Hanging on Something I Can't Control Anyway

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Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?

• I’m worn out from constantly managing how I come across, replaying what people might think of me
• One offhand remark or someone’s disapproval can hijack my whole mood for days, because somewhere I’ve made my sense of being okay depend on whether other people approve of me
• I’m so used to managing how I come across that I’m not even sure people know the real me
• I can feel my sense of being okay swing wildly depending on whether I nailed something or got approval, but I’ve never actually mapped what it’s hooked to
• So much of my energy goes into managing how good I look

Practices that may help

1. Release the need for approval
   Let people have their opinions of you — their judgment is theirs to hold, not yours to fix.
   The Let Them Theory, Made Practical
2. Let go of others’ opinions of you
   Another’s contempt is their judgment, not your business; only your own conduct is yours to mind.
   The Enchiridion, as a Handbook
3. Cultivate authenticity
   Let go of who you think you’re supposed to be and show up as who you actually are.
   The Gifts of Imperfection, Made Practical
4. Identify where your self-esteem is contingent
   Map the specific conditions your self-worth currently depends on so you can see the fragility clearly.
   Self-Worth vs. Self-Esteem
5. Shift the goal from high self-esteem to authentic self-regard
   Stop trying to feel good about yourself and start aiming for honest, compassionate self-knowledge.
   Self-Worth vs. Self-Esteem
6. Upekkha toward a difficult person
   Extend equanimity specifically toward someone whose actions you cannot control but are affected by.
   Upekkha: Cultivating Equanimity in Meditation and Life
7. Practice tolerating disapproval
   Deliberately make a small choice you believe in that you know someone won’t like — and stay with the discomfort.
   Self-Authorship: Moving From the Socialized to the Self-Authored Mind
8. Moving from other-validation to self-validation
   Gradually replace the need for your partner’s approval with the ability to hold your own self-regard.
   Differentiation of Self: David Schnarch’s Framework for Passionate Marriage
9. The dichotomy of control
   Sort every situation into what is up to you (judgments, choices, effort) and what is not (outcomes, others, the past).
   Stoicism, as a Set of Practices
10. Recognize overcontrol signals in your own behavior
    Notice the specific behaviors that signal you are controlling more than the situation requires.
    Radical Openness: The RO-DBT Approach to Overcontrol and Loneliness

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